Hilton Dorping's Many Troubles
Hilton Dorping had many troubles. He had troubles aplenty. He had enough troubles to burden at least a dozen men, which, in his own opinion, was a great deal more than he wanted or needed. It seemed that trouble had singled him out, sending an overly full measure of misery in his direction. As Hilton went his weary, woeful way through life, he could be heard singing to himself, in a decidedly mournful tone, "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen."
To begin with, Hilton's wife suddenly walked out on him after thirty-two and a half years of marriage. Hilton did not particularly mind his wife leaving, but when he noticed that she had departed with one of their houseplants, an unusual fern for which he maintained an abiding fondness, he was utterly heartbroken. Although he could obtain another wife, the houseplant was exceedingly rare, and it would, therefore, be hard to find another one.
Soon after Hilton's wife had left him, he found out that Perfect Peanuts, Inc., the company whose famous brand of peanut butter, Nicely Nutty, he had been happily consuming since the days of his early boyhood, had gone out of business. This dreadful information appalled Hilton and unhinged his mind, throwing him into a gloomy state of wild-eyed alarm. How could he face his many difficulties without a daily serving of Nicely Nutty?
Things quickly went from bad to worse when Hilton discovered, to his intense horror, that the grooves of the record he had been playing twenty times a day for the past four decades, Eduardo Zumpkin Sings the Annoying Songs That You Hate to Hear, finally had worn out, thereby rendering the record totally unplayable. Hilton, who was hugely proud of being Eduardo Zumpkin's most dedicated fan (indeed, his only fan), was completely disconsolate.
When Hilton learned that someday, in approximately 5 billion years, the earth was likely to be destroyed by the unrelenting heat of the sun, causing all human life to disappear, it was the final straw. In Hilton's view, knowing that the earth was destined, billions of years in the future, to be burned up by the sun was, undoubtedly, bad news. It took the fun out of everything. He figured that he might as well never get out of bed again.
To begin with, Hilton's wife suddenly walked out on him after thirty-two and a half years of marriage. Hilton did not particularly mind his wife leaving, but when he noticed that she had departed with one of their houseplants, an unusual fern for which he maintained an abiding fondness, he was utterly heartbroken. Although he could obtain another wife, the houseplant was exceedingly rare, and it would, therefore, be hard to find another one.
Soon after Hilton's wife had left him, he found out that Perfect Peanuts, Inc., the company whose famous brand of peanut butter, Nicely Nutty, he had been happily consuming since the days of his early boyhood, had gone out of business. This dreadful information appalled Hilton and unhinged his mind, throwing him into a gloomy state of wild-eyed alarm. How could he face his many difficulties without a daily serving of Nicely Nutty?
Things quickly went from bad to worse when Hilton discovered, to his intense horror, that the grooves of the record he had been playing twenty times a day for the past four decades, Eduardo Zumpkin Sings the Annoying Songs That You Hate to Hear, finally had worn out, thereby rendering the record totally unplayable. Hilton, who was hugely proud of being Eduardo Zumpkin's most dedicated fan (indeed, his only fan), was completely disconsolate.
When Hilton learned that someday, in approximately 5 billion years, the earth was likely to be destroyed by the unrelenting heat of the sun, causing all human life to disappear, it was the final straw. In Hilton's view, knowing that the earth was destined, billions of years in the future, to be burned up by the sun was, undoubtedly, bad news. It took the fun out of everything. He figured that he might as well never get out of bed again.