The Peculiar World of Winthrop Farble
Winthrop and the Flying Saucer
When a flying saucer happened to land on Winthrop Farble's front lawn, Winthrop was not afraid. When a small being with three eyes, six arms, and eight legs stepped out of the spacecraft, Winthrop gave him a friendly greeting.
When a flying saucer happened to land on Winthrop Farble's front lawn, Winthrop was not afraid. When a small being with three eyes, six arms, and eight legs stepped out of the spacecraft, Winthrop gave him a friendly greeting.
"Hello," Winthrop said.
"Take me to your leader," the being said.
"You must have had a long journey," Winthrop said. "Would you like something to eat?"
"Yes, I would," the being said. "Take me to your refrigerator."
Winthrop offered a plate of cold leftovers to the being. As the being was hungrily eating, Winthrop asked him why he had chosen to visit Earth.
"It was a mistake, actually," the being replied. "I took a wrong turn at Mars."
After the being had finished his meal, he thanked Winthrop. Then he got back into his flying saucer and flew away.
"One never knows who is going to turn up," Winthrop said, after the flying saucer had departed. "Life is funny that way."
"Take me to your leader," the being said.
"You must have had a long journey," Winthrop said. "Would you like something to eat?"
"Yes, I would," the being said. "Take me to your refrigerator."
Winthrop offered a plate of cold leftovers to the being. As the being was hungrily eating, Winthrop asked him why he had chosen to visit Earth.
"It was a mistake, actually," the being replied. "I took a wrong turn at Mars."
After the being had finished his meal, he thanked Winthrop. Then he got back into his flying saucer and flew away.
"One never knows who is going to turn up," Winthrop said, after the flying saucer had departed. "Life is funny that way."
• • •
Winthrop Gets Engaged
Winthrop Farble had been married three and a half times. (Although he figured that half a marriage probably did not count.) He was, he readily admitted, not the most skillful player in the game of matrimony.
"I confess to being a hopeless romantic," Winthrop said, whenever anyone happened to inquire in regard to his three and a half marriages.
When Winthrop became engaged for the fourth time, to a woman who had already been married several times herself, those who knew him were inclined to question his latest betrothal. It appeared, in the words of one acquaintance, "to be not a particularly smart move, if you know what I mean."
Winthrop blithely waved off all warnings that he should think carefully before taking any further vows. His fourth marriage ended on the second day of the honeymoon.
"Oh well, that's how it goes," Winthrop said, afterward. "What's one more marriage in the long run?"
Winthrop Farble had been married three and a half times. (Although he figured that half a marriage probably did not count.) He was, he readily admitted, not the most skillful player in the game of matrimony.
"I confess to being a hopeless romantic," Winthrop said, whenever anyone happened to inquire in regard to his three and a half marriages.
When Winthrop became engaged for the fourth time, to a woman who had already been married several times herself, those who knew him were inclined to question his latest betrothal. It appeared, in the words of one acquaintance, "to be not a particularly smart move, if you know what I mean."
Winthrop blithely waved off all warnings that he should think carefully before taking any further vows. His fourth marriage ended on the second day of the honeymoon.
"Oh well, that's how it goes," Winthrop said, afterward. "What's one more marriage in the long run?"
• • •
Winthrop Tries to Be Famous
For as long as Winthrop Farble could remember, he had wanted to be famous. During his childhood, whenever someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always answered, "I want to be famous." In Winthrop's mind, being famous was the only acceptable station in life.
Winthrop was not particular regarding the manner in which he achieved his fame. As far as he was concerned, any kind of fame was better than no fame.
"It is better to be famous, than not to be famous," he was fond of saying. "Even a small amount of fame is worth more than no fame at all."
Winthrop tried to be famous, striving continually for many years in many different ways, but still he had no fame. No matter how hard he attempted to make a name for himself, he got no further ahead in his ambition. It seemed that he would never be known to the world.
When Winthrop had nearly given up, he happened to have a moment of inspiration. It suddenly came to him that he should try to become famous for having failed to achieve fame.
"Anyone can become famous nowadays," Winthrop said. "It is actually more worthwhile to be completely without fame."
Winthrop now had a new ambition. He sought to be not famous, and found that it was easily achieved.
• • •
Winthrop and God
Although Winthrop Farble was not a particularly religious person, he did have his own belief in God. Winthrop was certain that God had assumed the human form of Howard Kovinsky, an affable taxidermist who lived in Flapjack, Idaho. Winthrop believed that Mr. Kovinsky had divine control over every corner of the cosmos. Mr. Kovinsky himself did not make any claim to divinity, but he did not deny it, either.
"I believe that God, or Howard Kovinsky as He is known to me, has everything closely in hand," Winthrop said, whenever he was asked to explain his spiritual beliefs. "You can't go wrong with a God who lives in Idaho."
Whenever Winthrop wanted to talk to his God, he called him on the telephone. Unless it was a Tuesday evening, of course, because on Tuesday evenings, Mr. Kovinsky always played bingo.
"Well, even God should be able to have a bit of diversion," Winthrop said.
Although Winthrop Farble was not a particularly religious person, he did have his own belief in God. Winthrop was certain that God had assumed the human form of Howard Kovinsky, an affable taxidermist who lived in Flapjack, Idaho. Winthrop believed that Mr. Kovinsky had divine control over every corner of the cosmos. Mr. Kovinsky himself did not make any claim to divinity, but he did not deny it, either.
"I believe that God, or Howard Kovinsky as He is known to me, has everything closely in hand," Winthrop said, whenever he was asked to explain his spiritual beliefs. "You can't go wrong with a God who lives in Idaho."
Whenever Winthrop wanted to talk to his God, he called him on the telephone. Unless it was a Tuesday evening, of course, because on Tuesday evenings, Mr. Kovinsky always played bingo.
"Well, even God should be able to have a bit of diversion," Winthrop said.
• • •
Winthrop Expresses His View
Winthrop Farble always expressed his views in a forthright manner. When he held a particular belief, he stated it boldly, and was never concerned that anyone who heard him might be offended. Among other things, he strongly believed that every day of the year should be a holiday.
"The current number of holidays is, in my opinion, far from sufficient," Winthrop frequently said. "I demand that every day be proclaimed a holiday."
Most people laughed at Winthrop when they heard him express his view in regard to holidays, but Winthrop did not falter. He was unshakable in his conviction that every day should be a holiday.
"They can laugh at me now if they like, but I am quite certain that someday they will come around to my way of thinking," Winthrop said. "Meanwhile, I will be looking forward to celebrating Obstinacy Day."
Winthrop Farble always expressed his views in a forthright manner. When he held a particular belief, he stated it boldly, and was never concerned that anyone who heard him might be offended. Among other things, he strongly believed that every day of the year should be a holiday.
"The current number of holidays is, in my opinion, far from sufficient," Winthrop frequently said. "I demand that every day be proclaimed a holiday."
Most people laughed at Winthrop when they heard him express his view in regard to holidays, but Winthrop did not falter. He was unshakable in his conviction that every day should be a holiday.
"They can laugh at me now if they like, but I am quite certain that someday they will come around to my way of thinking," Winthrop said. "Meanwhile, I will be looking forward to celebrating Obstinacy Day."
• • •
Winthrop Makes a Great Discovery
When Winthrop Farble happened to make a great discovery one day, he felt certain that the world would be waiting to hear about it. He believed that it was too great a discovery to keep to himself. He decided to go downtown and stand on the steps of the city hall, so that he could announce his discovery to the public.
When Winthrop Farble happened to make a great discovery one day, he felt certain that the world would be waiting to hear about it. He believed that it was too great a discovery to keep to himself. He decided to go downtown and stand on the steps of the city hall, so that he could announce his discovery to the public.
"I have a great discovery to announce," Winthrop said, loudly and excitedly, as he stood on the steps. "I have discovered that water is wet!"
Winthrop was dumbfounded to see that no one appeared to be impressed by his great discovery. People passed by him and, aside from casting funny looks in his direction, offered no response at all.
"Perhaps I have not made myself entirely clear," Winthrop said, more loudly and more excitedly than before, as people continued to pass him. "I have discovered that water is, generally and in almost every instance, thoroughly and completely wet!"
Winthrop could not understand the lack of interest in his great discovery. He returned to his home and gave serious thought to the situation. Where had he gone wrong? How could the public have failed to respond? He concluded that it probably would be of little use for him to announce his other discoveries, namely that fire was hot and ice was cold.
"I am not going to make any attempt to tell the public that fire is hot and ice is cold," Winthrop said. "They will have to find out for themselves."
• • •
Winthrop Loses His Mind
Winthrop Farble had a bad habit of losing things. Over the years, he had lost a number of small items. One day, through what he presumed to be sheer carelessness on his part, he lost his mind.
"My mind was there yesterday," Winthrop said. "At least, I think it was there. Now it appears to have vanished."
Winthrop knew that his mind tended to wander. It was not, therefore, a huge surprise that his mind had become lost. He rebuked himself for not keeping a closer eye on his mind. He tried to remember when and where he had been using his mind before it disappeared, but his memory failed him.
"It seems that losing a mind is much easier than finding one," he said, fearing that he might have to spend the rest of his life in a state of mindlessness.
Winthrop did finally succeed in finding his mind, much to his relief. It turned out that, rather than his mind being lost, it merely had chosen to take a brief vacation without telling him.
Winthrop Farble had a bad habit of losing things. Over the years, he had lost a number of small items. One day, through what he presumed to be sheer carelessness on his part, he lost his mind.
"My mind was there yesterday," Winthrop said. "At least, I think it was there. Now it appears to have vanished."
Winthrop knew that his mind tended to wander. It was not, therefore, a huge surprise that his mind had become lost. He rebuked himself for not keeping a closer eye on his mind. He tried to remember when and where he had been using his mind before it disappeared, but his memory failed him.
"It seems that losing a mind is much easier than finding one," he said, fearing that he might have to spend the rest of his life in a state of mindlessness.
Winthrop did finally succeed in finding his mind, much to his relief. It turned out that, rather than his mind being lost, it merely had chosen to take a brief vacation without telling him.
• • •
Winthrop's Intention
When Winthrop Farble announced his intention of hopping around the world, on one foot, his friends and acquaintances did not lend their support. Most of them were of the opinion that Winthrop was ill-advised to consider doing such a thing.
One of Winthrop's friends asked him whether he was concerned about putting undue stress on his foot. Winthrop took the question in his stride. He already had thought of that problem.
"I will change back and forth, from one foot to the other foot," Winthrop said. "In that way neither of my feet will get worn out."
Another of Winthrop's friends told him that using a pogo stick probably would be much easier than hopping on one foot, but Winthrop preferred not to use any implements of any kind. He wanted to make his journey through his own means.
"Using a pogo stick is all right for fun," Winthrop said, "but it takes great skill to hop on one foot."
The day before Winthrop was due to set out on one foot, he tripped over a rock while working in his garden, and twisted both of his ankles. Instead of hopping around the world, he stayed in bed and rested for a week.
When Winthrop Farble announced his intention of hopping around the world, on one foot, his friends and acquaintances did not lend their support. Most of them were of the opinion that Winthrop was ill-advised to consider doing such a thing.
One of Winthrop's friends asked him whether he was concerned about putting undue stress on his foot. Winthrop took the question in his stride. He already had thought of that problem.
"I will change back and forth, from one foot to the other foot," Winthrop said. "In that way neither of my feet will get worn out."
Another of Winthrop's friends told him that using a pogo stick probably would be much easier than hopping on one foot, but Winthrop preferred not to use any implements of any kind. He wanted to make his journey through his own means.
"Using a pogo stick is all right for fun," Winthrop said, "but it takes great skill to hop on one foot."
The day before Winthrop was due to set out on one foot, he tripped over a rock while working in his garden, and twisted both of his ankles. Instead of hopping around the world, he stayed in bed and rested for a week.
• • •
Winthrop Attends an Opera
Winthrop Farble had always derived pleasure from listening to music, particularly songs about potatoes, but he had never attended an opera. With the purpose of broadening his musical experience, he duly purchased a ticket for a performance of Henrietta and the Flying Buttress, an opera by Friedrich Dutternunk.
"Opera appeals to people of taste and intellect, so I am certain that it will appeal to me, because I am a person who has a great deal of taste and intellect," Winthrop said. "It undoubtedly will be an evening of grand beauty and high-minded melodies."
Winthrop wore his finest suit and went to the opera with the best of intentions, but he found that he was disappointed by the music. None of the tunes caused him to tap his foot. After listening for a while without much satisfaction, he decided to leave, halfway through a lengthy aria in the second act.
"I probably would have liked it more if there had been a song about potatoes," Winthrop said, as he got up from his seat and walked out.
Winthrop Farble had always derived pleasure from listening to music, particularly songs about potatoes, but he had never attended an opera. With the purpose of broadening his musical experience, he duly purchased a ticket for a performance of Henrietta and the Flying Buttress, an opera by Friedrich Dutternunk.
"Opera appeals to people of taste and intellect, so I am certain that it will appeal to me, because I am a person who has a great deal of taste and intellect," Winthrop said. "It undoubtedly will be an evening of grand beauty and high-minded melodies."
Winthrop wore his finest suit and went to the opera with the best of intentions, but he found that he was disappointed by the music. None of the tunes caused him to tap his foot. After listening for a while without much satisfaction, he decided to leave, halfway through a lengthy aria in the second act.
"I probably would have liked it more if there had been a song about potatoes," Winthrop said, as he got up from his seat and walked out.
• • •
Winthrop's Deep Thoughts
Winthrop Farble fancied himself to be something of a philosopher. He spent many hours sitting alone, thinking deep thoughts. Winthrop's thoughts frequently became so deep that he became stuck in them.
Winthrop would sometimes go to a nearby beach and look at the overwhelming expanse of the ocean, and ask, "What does it all mean?" The ocean usually had no response.
However, on one occasion, when Winthrop posed his usual question of "What does it all mean?" to the ocean, the ocean answered, "Who cares?" The ocean, having nothing more to add, then returned to a state of muteness.
"Well, I guess that settles it, once and for all," Winthrop said. "The ocean has spoken."
Winthrop did not pursue the matter any further. Although he was a deep thinker, he was not hard to please. Whatever the ocean had to say was good enough for him.
Winthrop Farble fancied himself to be something of a philosopher. He spent many hours sitting alone, thinking deep thoughts. Winthrop's thoughts frequently became so deep that he became stuck in them.
Winthrop would sometimes go to a nearby beach and look at the overwhelming expanse of the ocean, and ask, "What does it all mean?" The ocean usually had no response.
However, on one occasion, when Winthrop posed his usual question of "What does it all mean?" to the ocean, the ocean answered, "Who cares?" The ocean, having nothing more to add, then returned to a state of muteness.
"Well, I guess that settles it, once and for all," Winthrop said. "The ocean has spoken."
Winthrop did not pursue the matter any further. Although he was a deep thinker, he was not hard to please. Whatever the ocean had to say was good enough for him.
• • •
Winthrop's Second Childhood
When Winthrop Farble, who was extremely middle-aged, began to fly kites, play with marbles, and ride a skateboard, those who knew him took little notice. They were long accustomed to his unusual habits. Being unusual in his habits was, they acknowledged, a major element of his singular charm.
"I have commenced my second childhood," Winthrop said, offering a brief explanation for his carefree behavior.
The strange thing was that, in the opinion of those who knew Winthrop particularly well, he had never completely finished with his first childhood, so for him to commence a second childhood seemed, in their considered view, quite unnecessary. Nevertheless, whether necessary or not, it was clear that Winthrop had now dedicated himself to the full-time pursuit of childish activities.
"I am thoroughly enjoying my second childhood," Winthrop said. "I can heartily recommend it to everyone."
As it turned out, a second childhood was not enough for Winthrop. He soon commenced his third childhood, quickly followed by his fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth childhoods.
• • •
Winthrop and the Silver Screen
Winthrop Farble maintained a lifelong interest in the cinema. He had no use for the new offerings from Hollywood, but he never tired of watching the old films. He had seen Gone with the Whim, starring Clark Garble and Vivian Leap, a total of one hundred and twenty-two times.
"The old stars were much better than any of the current actors," Winthrop said. "No one compares to James Stewrat, Henry Fondle, Batty Davis, or Joan Crawfish."
Winthrop himself had once held ambitions of being an actor. He wanted to appear on the silver screen, and he took several lessons in acting, but he never found his way to Hollywood. He had tried to get there many years ago, but he got lost within an hour of setting out and had to go back home.
"Watching a movie is a lot easier than being an actor, anyway," Winthrop said, in an effort to comfort himself. "Who wants to live in Hollywood and be a star and make piles of money? I can think of more worthwhile things to do."
• • •
Winthrop Bemoans His Fate
Throughout the many years that Winthrop Farble had been a human being, he generally had been happy with his lot. He had, inevitably, experienced a certain number of ups and downs in his life, the same as any other person, but he was mostly satisfied to be himself.
Winthrop's usual steadiness of temper was shattered, however, when he happened to break one of his shoelaces. He instantly went to pieces and descended into a wretched state of extreme despair.
"I am cursed!" Winthrop cried. "Oh, whatever shall I do now? The gods hate me and are seeking to destroy me! I cannot endure the hideous suffering of a broken shoelace! My life has become a living hell!"
Winthrop continued to bemoan his fate, loudly railing against the harshness of destiny, until he finally went out and purchased a new pair of shoelaces. After that, he began to feel better.
Throughout the many years that Winthrop Farble had been a human being, he generally had been happy with his lot. He had, inevitably, experienced a certain number of ups and downs in his life, the same as any other person, but he was mostly satisfied to be himself.
Winthrop's usual steadiness of temper was shattered, however, when he happened to break one of his shoelaces. He instantly went to pieces and descended into a wretched state of extreme despair.
"I am cursed!" Winthrop cried. "Oh, whatever shall I do now? The gods hate me and are seeking to destroy me! I cannot endure the hideous suffering of a broken shoelace! My life has become a living hell!"
Winthrop continued to bemoan his fate, loudly railing against the harshness of destiny, until he finally went out and purchased a new pair of shoelaces. After that, he began to feel better.
• • •
Winthrop Puts His Foot Down
Most of the time, Winthrop Farble was an easygoing fellow, but if he was pushed too far, for too long, he was not afraid to put his foot down. Because Winthrop had unusually big feet, and always wore heavy shoes, it was exceedingly certain that people would take notice if he chose to do so.
Although Winthrop himself was amenable, and not a person to cause any sort of trouble for anyone, it seemed, in his view, that nearly everyone around him appeared to be going out of their way to be a constant source of unbearable annoyance to him. Finally, he found that his agreeable temperament was being strained to the utmost.
"I am an easygoing fellow, but this is too much to bear," Winthrop said. "It appears that I shall have to put my foot down. I therefore request that everyone, everywhere in the entire world, instantly cease to behave in an annoying manner."
The news that Winthrop had put his foot down spread quickly. His friends were mildly alarmed, but none of them were particularly surprised. Most of them had presumed that, Winthrop's friendly habits notwithstanding, he was bound, sooner or later, to put one of his big feet down, quite defiantly and quite definitively, once and for all.
Winthrop's urgent request was mostly not heeded, but Biff Morpley, one of Winthrop's neighbors, was willing to promise that on rare occasions, he would consider making a halfhearted attempt to be less annoying, if only slightly. Winthrop decided to look on the bright side of the situation.
"I suppose a promise could be regarded as a meaningful gesture," Winthrop said. "At least Biff has expressed his willingness to make a halfhearted attempt, which, in my estimation, is clearly more acceptable than making no attempt at all."
• • •
Winthrop's Taste in Literature
Winthrop Farble had always been an ardent reader, but his taste in literature was quite particular. While other people were reading novels, biographies, mysteries, romances, and magazines, Winthrop was reading the backs of boxes that contained cereal. He especially liked boxes that contained corn flakes.
"Dickens and Tolstoy are all right, if you like that sort of thing, and I suppose that Henry James could be said to have written a few good books, but nothing can beat the back of a box of corn flakes as a timeless example of true literature," Winthrop said. "In my opinion, even the works of Shakespeare pale in comparison."
Winthrop had purchased and consumed many boxes of corn flakes over the years. To keep himself supplied with something to read, he ate corn flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He even ate them as a midnight snack.
When Winthrop finally grew tired of eating corn flakes, he began to eat shredded wheat, but found that it was not the same. Although the shredded wheat itself was enjoyable, the boxes that contained shredded wheat were decidedly less interesting to read than the boxes that contained corn flakes.
• • •
Winthrop Meets His Twin
As far as Winthrop Farble knew, he was a one-off. It followed, therefore, that he was understandably surprised when he met someone who appeared to be his twin.
"What is the meaning of this?" Winthrop asked. "Who are you?"
"My name is Winthrop Farble," Winthrop's twin replied.
"You can't be Winthrop Farble!" Winthrop said. "I'm Winthrop Farble! You have no right to look the same as me!"
"I have just as much right as you do," Winthrop's twin said.
Winthrop was greatly affronted by the insolent words that his twin had uttered. He was absolutely determined to defend, against all challengers, what he regarded as his own God-given right to be Winthrop Farble. How could someone else have the temerity to share his particular name and his particular appearance?
"I demand that you cease having an appearance that is the same as mine," Winthrop said.
"How do you know that it's not you who has the same appearance as me?" Winthrop's twin asked.
Winthrop had never thought of that. He was thoroughly at a loss. Could it actually be that, contrary to what he always had assumed, he was not the only Winthrop Farble? Could it be that he was not the sole person entitled to possess his particular name and his particular appearance? Could it be that he was, in truth, merely a copy of another person?
"Do you mind if I take a bit of time and think this over?" Winthrop asked.
"Take as long as you like," Winthrop's twin replied.
Winthrop and his twin parted in a cordial manner and went their own ways. They never saw each other again. Winthrop later concluded that if one of himself was a good thing, then two of himself must certainly be an even better thing.
• • •
Winthrop's Garden
Winthrop Farble did not have a green thumb. He possessed many fine qualities, but an ability to make things grow was not among them.
"Flowers wither if I so much as look in their direction," Winthrop said. "Vegetables expire as soon as I plant them. I cannot even grow a healthy weed."
Winthrop had tried to grow everything from roses to rutabagas, always with unfortunate results. Knowing that he was descended from a long line of expert gardeners made him feel even worse. He became completely distraught, and felt unworthy to carry the family name.
It was only when Winthrop abandoned his hopeless attempts to make things grow and turned his interest toward rocks that he began to succeed as a gardener. A garden that was filled with rocks was not as pretty as a garden that was filled with flowers, or as useful as a garden that was filled with vegetables, but it was much easier to maintain.
"Rocks are much better than flowers or vegetables," Winthrop said. "They never need to be watered."
• • •
Winthrop Goes Bird-Watching
Winthrop Farble was inordinately fond of bird-watching. He spent many happy hours in the wild, seeking out birds with a pair of binoculars. The sight of a finch, a robin, a sparrow, or a warbler filled him with unrestrained excitement.
"I never get tired of observing the charming habits of my feathery friends," Winthrop said. "Bird-watching is, for me, a source of perfect joy."
Winthrop spent many years as a happy bird-watcher, until one day it came to his mind that, while he took great delight in observing the birds, the birds themselves might not be quite so delighted. They might even regard it as an affront to their privacy.
"Perhaps I should take up a different hobby," Winthrop said.
• • •
Winthrop Reveals His Inner Self
Winthrop Farble was not inclined to put his deepest feelings on public display. He was a private person, and tended, in most situations, to keep himself to himself. After decades of maintaining a steadfast front of cool reserve, however, he decided to fling open the doors of his soul and expose his true essence to the world.
"I have been trapped within the stale chamber of my burdensome shyness for too long," Winthrop declared, carried away by his new mood of fearless resolution. "The time has come for me to escape from the bounds of restraint and reveal my inner self."
Winthrop soon revealed his inner self with a daring flourish, but to no avail. It quickly became apparent that Winthrop's inner self was much the same as his outer self, with the only difference being that his outer self strongly disliked parsnips, shunning any meal in which they were included, while his inner self preferred them above all other vegetables, and was happy to eat them at every opportunity.
• • •
Winthrop Turns Off the Television News
Winthrop Farble was known for maintaining a calm demeanor, but there were moments when his usual calmness was greatly tested. These moments generally came after he had been watching the latest news on television. On one particular day, he felt that he had reached the end of his patience, and could not take any more of it.
"Watching the news has become too much for me!" Winthrop shouted. "In my opinion, the entire world has gone crazy! The news keeps getting worse and worse and worse! I can no longer endure all this craziness!"
Winthrop became so distraught that he was unable to sleep for three nights in a row. By the morning of the fourth day, he was feeling quite tired. He drifted into a state of uneasy slumber while he was sitting at his kitchen table, having breakfast, and slept until the evening.
When Winthrop finally awoke hours later, still sitting at his kitchen table, he vowed that, henceforth, he would turn off the television news, permanently. Seeing daily reports of widespread unpleasantness, not to mention reports of the weather, was too stressful for him. Instead, he would choose not to know what was happening in the world.
"Life is more enjoyable if one does not know what is going on," Winthrop said.
• • •
Winthrop Relents
Winthrop Farble was usually a "nice" person, but one morning, out of the blue, he suddenly decided not to do anything that other people might want him to do. He resolved to take only those actions that he truly was inclined to take.
"I will heed no one's wishes but my own," Winthrop stated, with an unmistakable touch of defiance. "I will do only what I want to do, at all times and in all situations, without regard for the needs, feelings, or opinions of others."
Later that day, however, when Winthrop was in a supermarket, an elderly woman asked him to step aside, so that she could more easily choose a can of soup from a shelf. Winthrop refused, holding to his new policy of not complying with anyone's wishes but his own, which caused the elderly woman to appear downcast.
"Oh, all right, I'll step aside," Winthrop said, relenting and allowing the elderly woman to reach for the can of soup.
Although Winthrop was strong-minded, and was briefly determined to do only what he wanted to do, he was not unkind. Besides, the elderly woman was his Aunt Beatrice.