The War Between Miss Alice Hitherby-Twilkington and Miss Lavinia Fettlesnarp
Miss Alice Hitherby-Twilkington and Miss Lavinia Fettlesnarp had been best friends since childhood. They were as close as two sisters, with one of them rarely being seen without the other. During the fifteen years in which Alice and Lavinia had been friends, they had never exchanged a harsh word, apart from the summer day when they both happened to wear the same pink dress to a garden party that was held at the stately home of Miss Eugenie Swellsford. It seemed that Alice and Lavinia were fated to continue as friends for the remainder of their lives, until a young man put them at odds with each other.
The young man in question, Mr. Cyril Blitherby, not only possessed a surfeit of charm and an excess of good looks, but also was the sole heir to a huge fortune. It followed, of course, that every young woman in London, particularly those who were of a highborn lineage, including Alice and Lavinia, were fervently determined to become his wife. The only mark against Cyril was that, in the realm of mental ability, he was widely reckoned as having less to offer than a feeble-minded gnat, but his abundance of money generally was seen, particularly in the eyes of the greedy girls who pursued him, as easily making up for his decided lack of intellect.
Alice and Lavinia first caught sight of Cyril at the same moment, during their annual outing to Royal Ascot, and instantly formed the same intention toward him, with each of them thinking, "I saw him first, so he's mine!" The war between them started when Alice smiled at Cyril and sweetly asked whether they might already be acquainted, to which Cyril courteously replied, "Alas, dear lady, I fear not." (Alice knew, quite well, that she and Cyril had never met.) Lavinia, who was mightily offended by the quick audacity of her friend (as well as being thoroughly envious of the expert manner in which she had played up to Cyril), mutely looked on and smoldered.
Once the conflict between Alice and Lavinia had commenced, there was no turning back for either of them. They seized every opportunity to make disparaging comments about each other to Cyril, who merely nodded in surprise at the force of their cutting words and said, "How extraordinary!" When Alice put it around that Lavinia might be "a good deal older" than she usually was taken to be, Lavinia promptly responded by publicly raising doubts in regard to the verity of Alice's supposedly red hair. So it went, back and forth in a welter of spite, for a number of weeks, with no clemency given on either side.
The open enmity between Alice and Lavinia, and the unfortunate ways in which it was acted out, soon became the talk of London. Cyril wisely kept himself removed from the fierce heat of the battle, preferring to observe the situation from a careful distance. As the indelicate war of affronts entered its third month, both Alice and Lavinia, who were completely caught up in the stress of their ongoing struggle over Cyril, failed to take any notice when Cyril quietly directed his interest elsewhere. They were, therefore, painfully astounded when they heard that, behind their backs, Cyril had hurriedly eloped with Miss Gwendolyn Widdley, a young woman he had met at a cinema in Leicester Square.
Cyril and his bride lived happily ever after, but Alice and Lavinia did not. Alice, who truly had believed that Cyril was meant for her alone, angrily renounced all men and took a vow of militant singleness, bitterly preaching against the "evil of romance" for the rest of her life. Lavinia became a withdrawn spinster, living in a grand house with fifty-eight cats, and fell into a forlorn condition of solitary madness. Cyril entered Parliament shortly after he married Gwendolyn, being elected as MP for West Nubbling, and later was elevated to the House of Lords, where he peacefully slumbered into old age.
The young man in question, Mr. Cyril Blitherby, not only possessed a surfeit of charm and an excess of good looks, but also was the sole heir to a huge fortune. It followed, of course, that every young woman in London, particularly those who were of a highborn lineage, including Alice and Lavinia, were fervently determined to become his wife. The only mark against Cyril was that, in the realm of mental ability, he was widely reckoned as having less to offer than a feeble-minded gnat, but his abundance of money generally was seen, particularly in the eyes of the greedy girls who pursued him, as easily making up for his decided lack of intellect.
Alice and Lavinia first caught sight of Cyril at the same moment, during their annual outing to Royal Ascot, and instantly formed the same intention toward him, with each of them thinking, "I saw him first, so he's mine!" The war between them started when Alice smiled at Cyril and sweetly asked whether they might already be acquainted, to which Cyril courteously replied, "Alas, dear lady, I fear not." (Alice knew, quite well, that she and Cyril had never met.) Lavinia, who was mightily offended by the quick audacity of her friend (as well as being thoroughly envious of the expert manner in which she had played up to Cyril), mutely looked on and smoldered.
Once the conflict between Alice and Lavinia had commenced, there was no turning back for either of them. They seized every opportunity to make disparaging comments about each other to Cyril, who merely nodded in surprise at the force of their cutting words and said, "How extraordinary!" When Alice put it around that Lavinia might be "a good deal older" than she usually was taken to be, Lavinia promptly responded by publicly raising doubts in regard to the verity of Alice's supposedly red hair. So it went, back and forth in a welter of spite, for a number of weeks, with no clemency given on either side.
The open enmity between Alice and Lavinia, and the unfortunate ways in which it was acted out, soon became the talk of London. Cyril wisely kept himself removed from the fierce heat of the battle, preferring to observe the situation from a careful distance. As the indelicate war of affronts entered its third month, both Alice and Lavinia, who were completely caught up in the stress of their ongoing struggle over Cyril, failed to take any notice when Cyril quietly directed his interest elsewhere. They were, therefore, painfully astounded when they heard that, behind their backs, Cyril had hurriedly eloped with Miss Gwendolyn Widdley, a young woman he had met at a cinema in Leicester Square.
Cyril and his bride lived happily ever after, but Alice and Lavinia did not. Alice, who truly had believed that Cyril was meant for her alone, angrily renounced all men and took a vow of militant singleness, bitterly preaching against the "evil of romance" for the rest of her life. Lavinia became a withdrawn spinster, living in a grand house with fifty-eight cats, and fell into a forlorn condition of solitary madness. Cyril entered Parliament shortly after he married Gwendolyn, being elected as MP for West Nubbling, and later was elevated to the House of Lords, where he peacefully slumbered into old age.