Woodrow and Edna Make a Fresh Start
Woodrow and Edna Dorkins have been married, agreeably if not blissfully, for fifty-one years. During that time, they have slowly fallen into the regrettable habit of taking their marriage for granted. One evening, however, as Woodrow and Edna are sitting together, watching television in their usual state of comfortable stupor, things begin to go awry between them.
EDNA: I have something to tell you, Woodrow.
(Woodrow keeps his eyes on the television screen.)
WOODROW: What is it, dear?
EDNA: You'd better prepare yourself for a surprise.
WOODROW: What sort of surprise, dear?
EDNA: An unpleasant surprise.
WOODROW: Unpleasant in what way?
EDNA: Unpleasant to a degree that could destroy our marriage and cause you to have a complete breakdown.
WOODROW: That sounds quite serious, dear.
EDNA: Yes, it is quite serious, Woodrow. As serious as it can be.
WOODROW: Well, perhaps you should tell me, then.
EDNA: I don't know if I have the courage, Woodrow.
(Woodrow turns his gaze from the television screen and looks at Edna.)
WOODROW: Now, Edna, you know that you can tell me anything. Anything at all. Just say it, and stop worrying.
EDNA: I can't find the words, Woodrow.
WOODROW: You're being silly, Edna. It's certainly not as if we were strangers. I am your husband and you are my wife. A wife should be able to tell her husband anything. Don't you trust me?
EDNA: Yes, I do trust you, Woodrow, but this is a particularly delicate matter.
WOODROW: Well, delicate or not, you'd better go ahead and tell me.
EDNA: I'm afraid you're going to take it badly, Woodrow. You need to brace yourself.
(Woodrow turns off the television.)
WOODROW: All right, Edna. I'm braced. Now, get on with it.
EDNA: I know that you will find this hard to believe, but during all the years that we've been together, I've been deceiving you. I've been living a lie, Woodrow.
WOODROW: Living a lie? What are you talking about, Edna? You've never been one to tell lies.
EDNA: I didn't say that I was telling a lie, Woodrow. I said that I was living a lie. There's a difference.
WOODROW: Oh, all right, Edna. You've been living a lie. What sort of lie have you been living?
EDNA: That is what I need to tell you.
WOODROW: Well, for God's sake, Edna, tell me!
EDNA: All right, Woodrow, I'll tell you. It won't be easy, but I'll make an attempt.
WOODROW: Please do, Edna. I can't stand any more of this suspense.
EDNA: I don't know where to begin.
WOODROW: It generally is best to begin at the beginning, Edna.
EDNA: Do you remember our honeymoon, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Of course, I remember our honeymoon, Edna. I was there, wasn't I?
EDNA: Yes, that's true.
WOODROW: Well, go on.
EDNA: It was when we were on our honeymoon that I began to live a lie.
WOODROW: When we were on our honeymoon? Edna, do you mean to tell me that you've been living a lie since our honeymoon? For the past fifty-one years? Throughout our entire marriage?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, I'm afraid so.
WOODROW: Why, Edna? Why?
EDNA: It's hard to explain, Woodrow. It was an awkward situation. I felt that I had no choice.
WOODROW: You still haven't told me, Edna. What sort of lie have you been living?
EDNA: Try to be patient, Woodrow. This is extremely difficult for me.
WOODROW: Yes, I can see that, Edna. Just take a moment to compose yourself and then say whatever needs to be said.
EDNA: Oh, Woodrow, I'm feeling faint. I'm losing my nerve.
WOODROW: Be strong, Edna! Don't lose your nerve!
EDNA: I'm trying not to, Woodrow! I'm trying as hard as I can!
WOODROW: You must be strong, Edna!
EDNA: I'm trying, Woodrow! I'm trying!
(Edna seeks to steady herself.)
WOODROW: Well, Edna? Are you composed? Are you ready to proceed?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, I think so.
WOODROW: Then, by all means, proceed, Edna, proceed!
EDNA: Well, it has to do with jam.
WOODROW: Jam? The kind of jam that one spreads on toast?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, that kind of jam.
WOODROW: Go on, Edna.
EDNA: Well, when we were having breakfast on the first morning of our honeymoon, and we were spreading jam on our toast, I chose to convey the impression that I was fond of raspberry jam, because I knew that you were fond of raspberry jam. Do you remember, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Yes, I remember it quite well. That's why, ever since that morning, our jam of choice at breakfast has always been raspberry jam.
EDNA: Well, it was a falsehood, Woodrow.
WOODROW: A falsehood? Do you mean that you don't like raspberry jam? Is that what you're trying to tell me, Edna?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow. I've been eating raspberry jam all these years, just to keep you happy, but the painful truth is that I actually prefer the taste of strawberry jam.
WOODROW: Edna, what are you saying?
EDNA: I'm saying that in regard to the question of jam, Woodrow, I prefer strawberry jam to raspberry jam. I've preferred it the whole time that we've been married.
WOODROW: This is too much for a man to accept! My own wife, a shameless deceiver!
EDNA: I knew that it would upset you, Woodrow. That's why I never told you.
WOODROW: Raspberry jam has always been our chosen jam, Edna, as well as being the unassailable foundation of our marriage for fifty-one years, and now you are telling me that you prefer strawberry jam!
EDNA: Try to understand, Woodrow.
WOODROW: How can I understand such treachery?
EDNA: I never meant to hurt you, Woodrow. I was a new bride. I was eager to please you, and I was uncertain of myself. I knew how strongly you felt about raspberry jam, and I didn't want to offend you.
WOODROW: After hearing all of this, Edna, I don't know if I can continue as your husband.
EDNA: Oh, don't say that, Woodrow!
WOODROW: How am I supposed to feel, Edna? As you said yourself, you've been living a lie for fifty-one years, at least as far as jam is concerned.
EDNA: Woodrow, please find it in your heart to forgive me!
WOODROW: I don't know if I can, Edna. I have been deeply wounded.
EDNA: Forgive me for the sake of our children!
WOODROW: We don't have any children, Edna.
EDNA: Oh, yes, that's right. Well, forgive me for the sake of our marriage! Forgive me for the sake of the fifty-one years that we've spent together!
WOODROW: Well, I suppose I should try to forgive you, Edna, even though you don't deserve it.
EDNA: Believe me, Woodrow, I'll do anything in my power to preserve our marriage! I'll even go on spreading raspberry jam, "our jam of choice" as you put it, on my toast every morning, in spite of my lifelong, and perfectly reasonable, fondness for strawberry jam, just as I have always done!
WOODROW: Every morning, Edna? Every morning, without fail?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, every morning! Without fail!
WOODROW: Well, in that case, Edna, I will forgive you. After all, we have been married for a long time, and I don't want to be small-minded about it.
EDNA: Oh, thank you, Woodrow, thank you!
WOODROW: Think nothing of it, Edna, but tell me, why do you prefer strawberry jam to raspberry jam?
EDNA: I don't know, Woodrow. I just do.
WOODROW: You know, I've never actually eaten any jam other than raspberry jam.
EDNA: You should try strawberry jam, Woodrow. You might find that you like it.
WOODROW: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try it.
EDNA: It's never too late to try something new, Woodrow.
(Woodrow and Edna share a tender embrace.)
WOODROW: Let's make a fresh start together, Edna!
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, a fresh start!
WOODROW: Tomorrow morning, Edna, we'll have strawberry jam on our toast!
EDNA: Will we, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Yes, Edna, we will! We can make it a second honeymoon!
EDNA: A second honeymoon, with strawberry jam on our toast for the rest of our lives!
WOODROW: Let's not get carried away, Edna.
EDNA: I have something to tell you, Woodrow.
(Woodrow keeps his eyes on the television screen.)
WOODROW: What is it, dear?
EDNA: You'd better prepare yourself for a surprise.
WOODROW: What sort of surprise, dear?
EDNA: An unpleasant surprise.
WOODROW: Unpleasant in what way?
EDNA: Unpleasant to a degree that could destroy our marriage and cause you to have a complete breakdown.
WOODROW: That sounds quite serious, dear.
EDNA: Yes, it is quite serious, Woodrow. As serious as it can be.
WOODROW: Well, perhaps you should tell me, then.
EDNA: I don't know if I have the courage, Woodrow.
(Woodrow turns his gaze from the television screen and looks at Edna.)
WOODROW: Now, Edna, you know that you can tell me anything. Anything at all. Just say it, and stop worrying.
EDNA: I can't find the words, Woodrow.
WOODROW: You're being silly, Edna. It's certainly not as if we were strangers. I am your husband and you are my wife. A wife should be able to tell her husband anything. Don't you trust me?
EDNA: Yes, I do trust you, Woodrow, but this is a particularly delicate matter.
WOODROW: Well, delicate or not, you'd better go ahead and tell me.
EDNA: I'm afraid you're going to take it badly, Woodrow. You need to brace yourself.
(Woodrow turns off the television.)
WOODROW: All right, Edna. I'm braced. Now, get on with it.
EDNA: I know that you will find this hard to believe, but during all the years that we've been together, I've been deceiving you. I've been living a lie, Woodrow.
WOODROW: Living a lie? What are you talking about, Edna? You've never been one to tell lies.
EDNA: I didn't say that I was telling a lie, Woodrow. I said that I was living a lie. There's a difference.
WOODROW: Oh, all right, Edna. You've been living a lie. What sort of lie have you been living?
EDNA: That is what I need to tell you.
WOODROW: Well, for God's sake, Edna, tell me!
EDNA: All right, Woodrow, I'll tell you. It won't be easy, but I'll make an attempt.
WOODROW: Please do, Edna. I can't stand any more of this suspense.
EDNA: I don't know where to begin.
WOODROW: It generally is best to begin at the beginning, Edna.
EDNA: Do you remember our honeymoon, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Of course, I remember our honeymoon, Edna. I was there, wasn't I?
EDNA: Yes, that's true.
WOODROW: Well, go on.
EDNA: It was when we were on our honeymoon that I began to live a lie.
WOODROW: When we were on our honeymoon? Edna, do you mean to tell me that you've been living a lie since our honeymoon? For the past fifty-one years? Throughout our entire marriage?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, I'm afraid so.
WOODROW: Why, Edna? Why?
EDNA: It's hard to explain, Woodrow. It was an awkward situation. I felt that I had no choice.
WOODROW: You still haven't told me, Edna. What sort of lie have you been living?
EDNA: Try to be patient, Woodrow. This is extremely difficult for me.
WOODROW: Yes, I can see that, Edna. Just take a moment to compose yourself and then say whatever needs to be said.
EDNA: Oh, Woodrow, I'm feeling faint. I'm losing my nerve.
WOODROW: Be strong, Edna! Don't lose your nerve!
EDNA: I'm trying not to, Woodrow! I'm trying as hard as I can!
WOODROW: You must be strong, Edna!
EDNA: I'm trying, Woodrow! I'm trying!
(Edna seeks to steady herself.)
WOODROW: Well, Edna? Are you composed? Are you ready to proceed?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, I think so.
WOODROW: Then, by all means, proceed, Edna, proceed!
EDNA: Well, it has to do with jam.
WOODROW: Jam? The kind of jam that one spreads on toast?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, that kind of jam.
WOODROW: Go on, Edna.
EDNA: Well, when we were having breakfast on the first morning of our honeymoon, and we were spreading jam on our toast, I chose to convey the impression that I was fond of raspberry jam, because I knew that you were fond of raspberry jam. Do you remember, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Yes, I remember it quite well. That's why, ever since that morning, our jam of choice at breakfast has always been raspberry jam.
EDNA: Well, it was a falsehood, Woodrow.
WOODROW: A falsehood? Do you mean that you don't like raspberry jam? Is that what you're trying to tell me, Edna?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow. I've been eating raspberry jam all these years, just to keep you happy, but the painful truth is that I actually prefer the taste of strawberry jam.
WOODROW: Edna, what are you saying?
EDNA: I'm saying that in regard to the question of jam, Woodrow, I prefer strawberry jam to raspberry jam. I've preferred it the whole time that we've been married.
WOODROW: This is too much for a man to accept! My own wife, a shameless deceiver!
EDNA: I knew that it would upset you, Woodrow. That's why I never told you.
WOODROW: Raspberry jam has always been our chosen jam, Edna, as well as being the unassailable foundation of our marriage for fifty-one years, and now you are telling me that you prefer strawberry jam!
EDNA: Try to understand, Woodrow.
WOODROW: How can I understand such treachery?
EDNA: I never meant to hurt you, Woodrow. I was a new bride. I was eager to please you, and I was uncertain of myself. I knew how strongly you felt about raspberry jam, and I didn't want to offend you.
WOODROW: After hearing all of this, Edna, I don't know if I can continue as your husband.
EDNA: Oh, don't say that, Woodrow!
WOODROW: How am I supposed to feel, Edna? As you said yourself, you've been living a lie for fifty-one years, at least as far as jam is concerned.
EDNA: Woodrow, please find it in your heart to forgive me!
WOODROW: I don't know if I can, Edna. I have been deeply wounded.
EDNA: Forgive me for the sake of our children!
WOODROW: We don't have any children, Edna.
EDNA: Oh, yes, that's right. Well, forgive me for the sake of our marriage! Forgive me for the sake of the fifty-one years that we've spent together!
WOODROW: Well, I suppose I should try to forgive you, Edna, even though you don't deserve it.
EDNA: Believe me, Woodrow, I'll do anything in my power to preserve our marriage! I'll even go on spreading raspberry jam, "our jam of choice" as you put it, on my toast every morning, in spite of my lifelong, and perfectly reasonable, fondness for strawberry jam, just as I have always done!
WOODROW: Every morning, Edna? Every morning, without fail?
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, every morning! Without fail!
WOODROW: Well, in that case, Edna, I will forgive you. After all, we have been married for a long time, and I don't want to be small-minded about it.
EDNA: Oh, thank you, Woodrow, thank you!
WOODROW: Think nothing of it, Edna, but tell me, why do you prefer strawberry jam to raspberry jam?
EDNA: I don't know, Woodrow. I just do.
WOODROW: You know, I've never actually eaten any jam other than raspberry jam.
EDNA: You should try strawberry jam, Woodrow. You might find that you like it.
WOODROW: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try it.
EDNA: It's never too late to try something new, Woodrow.
(Woodrow and Edna share a tender embrace.)
WOODROW: Let's make a fresh start together, Edna!
EDNA: Yes, Woodrow, a fresh start!
WOODROW: Tomorrow morning, Edna, we'll have strawberry jam on our toast!
EDNA: Will we, Woodrow?
WOODROW: Yes, Edna, we will! We can make it a second honeymoon!
EDNA: A second honeymoon, with strawberry jam on our toast for the rest of our lives!
WOODROW: Let's not get carried away, Edna.