A Conversation with Myself

By Michael Collins Morton
ME: Hello, myself. Or should I say, "self that is mine"?

MYSELF: I think "myself" will do nicely.

ME: So, how are you?

MYSELF: Oh, I can't complain. How about you?

ME: Fine, thank you. What have you been doing lately?

MYSELF: Oh, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

ME: Which would you say is the most enjoyable to you, "this" or "that"?

MYSELF: Well, it all depends on my mood, of course, but doing "that" is usually more enjoyable to me than doing "this."

ME: How interesting! However, if one was inspired to take a formidable step beyond the restrictive confines of the particular question at hand, and subsequently endeavored to assume a more broadly metaphysical view, one might be strongly inclined to regard both "this" and "that" as being merely different ways of giving casual expression to the same worldly delusion.

MYSELF: Yes, one might, if one wanted to be a pompous twit.

ME: Are you saying that I am a pompous twit?

MYSELF: If the shoe fits, wear it.

ME: What a bloody nerve!

MYSELF: Well, are you saying that you are not a pompous twit?

ME: I refuse to dignify that question with an answer.

MYSELF: Tell me, do you ever get tired of being so high and mighty?

ME: I'm not answering that question, either.

MYSELF: There's no need to be so cross. After all, you started it.

ME: No, I didn't. You started it.

MYSELF: No, it was you who started it, when you used all those fancy words.

ME: I was merely making an attempt to elevate the tone of our discussion. It may come as a surprise to someone as intellectually slothful as yourself, but some of us do strive to attain a higher mentality.

MYSELF: Well, some of us do not.

ME: That is quite apparent.

MYSELF: What you see is what you get.

ME: You know, even if one chooses to be a dolt, as you so clearly do, there's no need to be impudent about it.

MYSELF: There are times when being impudent is the best response.

ME: If your goal is to be impudent, then I would say that you have succeeded.

MYSELF: Why, thank you.

ME: You come across as being an extremely small-minded person.

MYSELF: Do I?

ME: Yes, you do. Extremely small-minded.

MYSELF: Well, that can't be helped. A small mind is better than no mind at all.

ME: Are you implying that I have no mind?

MYSELF: I'm not implying anything. I'm saying it outright: you have no mind.

ME: How dare you say that! I most certainly do have a mind!

MYSELF: Well, if you do, you must be keeping it hidden.

ME: I think it is beyond dispute that I possess a rather formidable mind.

MYSELF: Spouting a lot of half-baked rubbish is not the same as having a mind, not the same at all. To my mind, what you are is mindless.

ME: You fancy yourself to be something of a wit, don't you?

MYSELF: I suppose it is true that I fancy myself, but I shall leave it to others to judge my ability as a wit.

ME: That's all very well, but must you be so thoroughly disagreeable?

MYSELF: No, I don't suppose it's absolutely necessary for me to be disagreeable, but it's more fun that way.

ME: Oh, I see. To you, being disagreeable is "more fun."

MYSELF: A lot more fun.

ME: How utterly childish!

MYSELF: Better to be childish, utterly or otherwise, than to be a pompous twit.

ME: That's quite enough from you!

MYSELF: Is it?

ME: Yes, it certainly is!

MYSELF: Oh, good. I was worried that it might not be nearly enough.

ME: I'm not going to stand here and take this sort of abuse!

MYSELF: I can get you a chair, if you'd rather sit down.

ME: No, thank you, that won't be necessary.

MYSELF: Please yourself.

ME: This is a waste of my time. I've got better things to do.

MYSELF: Have you?

ME: Yes, if you must know.

MYSELF: What sort of things?

ME: Things that are none of your business. Things that require the ability to consider the world in a serious manner. Things that would not be of the slightest interest to someone of a small-minded disposition.

MYSELF: Someone, meaning me?

ME: Yes. Someone, meaning you.

MYSELF: It's not as if I actually care.

ME: Whether you care or not, is of no concern to me.

MYSELF: You just can't help being a pompous twit, can you?

ME: You said it again. That's it. I'm leaving.

MYSELF: So soon?

ME: Yes, and don't imagine for one moment that you can stop me.

MYSELF: I wouldn't even imagine it for less than one moment.

ME: Nothing can prevent me from making a quick departure!

MYSELF: If you must, you must.

ME: I mean it!

MYSELF: Yes, you certainly appear to mean it.

ME: I'm determined to go!

MYSELF: That would appear to be true.

ME: Once I'm determined, I always follow through!

MYSELF: Always? How impressive!

ME: I'm going!

MYSELF: Oh, are you still here?

ME: Goodbye!

MYSELF: Don't slam the door when you go!

ME: I won't!

MYSELF: Such an excitable fellow. He needs to take a deep breath and calm down.

ME: I heard that!

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