Adjustable Marshmallows Offer Infinite Hope for All Humanity
A somewhat heated exchange between Cuthbert and Clifford, two friends who find it easy to disagree with each other.
CUTHBERT: I have something to say.
CLIFFORD: Do you?
CUTHBERT: Yes, I do.
CLIFFORD: Well, go ahead.
CUTHBERT: I'm not ready yet.
CLIFFORD: Take your time, there's no hurry.
CUTHBERT: One must be ready before one makes a declaration of great import.
CLIFFORD: I'm here, whenever you're ready.
CUTHBERT: (Pauses for effect, then speaks, slowly and deliberately.) Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity.
CLIFFORD: What did you say?
CUTHBERT: I said, adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity.
CLIFFORD: What do you mean by that?
CUTHBERT: By what?
CLIFFORD: By what you just said.
CUTHBERT: What did I just say?
CLIFFORD: You said, "Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity."
CUTHBERT: Why would I say that?
CLIFFORD: I don't know, but you did say it.
CUTHBERT: Are you certain?
CLIFFORD: Yes, I'm certain.
CUTHBERT: Entirely certain?
CLIFFORD: Yes, entirely certain.
CUTHBERT: Entirely certain, beyond any question whatsoever, with not even the tiniest particle of doubt?
CLIFFORD: No doubt whatsoever, not even the tiniest particle.
CUTHBERT: I find it hard to believe that I said those words.
CLIFFORD: Well, I can assure you that you did say those words.
CUTHBERT: Which words?
CLIFFORD: The words that you said.
CUTHBERT: Oh, you mean the words that you think I said.
CLIFFORD: I mean the words that I did, most assuredly, hear you say.
CUTHBERT: Well, that's just your opinion.
CLIFFORD: It is not a matter of opinion, mine or otherwise. I heard you say those words.
CUTHBERT: You're entitled to your own opinion, of course, but I don't necessarily have to accept it as the truth. After all, an opinion is only an opinion.
CLIFFORD: We are not talking about an opinion. We are talking about what you said.
CUTHBERT: Please remind me again. What were the words that, in your opinion, I supposedly said?
CLIFFORD: You said, quite strongly, "Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity."
CUTHBERT: (Thinks for a moment before speaking.) No, I never said that.
CLIFFORD: Yes, you did.
CUTHBERT: I don't think so.
CLIFFORD: You did!
CUTHBERT: Do you have any witnesses?
CLIFFORD: No, of course not. How could I have any witnesses? There's no one here but you and me!
CUTHBERT: Well, without any witnesses, your case is a bit weak, isn't it?
CLIFFORD: I don’t need any witnesses! I know what you said!
CUTHBERT: Tell me, are you in the habit of hearing things that have not been said?
CLIFFORD: No, I am not.
CUTHBERT: Well, I think that perhaps you are.
CLIFFORD: I am not hearing things that have not been said. I know what I heard.
CUTHBERT: You know what you think you heard.
CLIFFORD: I know what I heard!
CUTHBERT: Well, I think you're mistaken.
CLIFFORD: I am not mistaken.
CUTHBERT: I think you're mistaken, and I think you're hearing things that have not been said.
CLIFFORD: No.
CUTHBERT: People do sometimes hear things that have not been said, you know.
CLIFFORD: Not in this particular case. I distinctly heard you say, "Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity."
CUTHBERT: Can you prove it?
CLIFFORD: I don't have to prove anything! I know what I heard!
CUTHBERT: If you can't prove it, then why should I believe you?
CLIFFORD: Because you know, as well as I do, that you did say it.
CUTHBERT: I don't know anything of the sort.
CLIFFORD: Yes, you do know.
CUTHBERT: No, I don't.
CLIFFORD: You do!
CUTHBERT: Well, perhaps I said it in a moment of madness.
CLIFFORD: That might explain it.
CUTHBERT: People do sometimes say something in a moment of madness, and then later do not remember saying it.
CLIFFORD: Is that so?
CUTHBERT: Oh yes, it does happen.
CLIFFORD: Well, it appears that it might have happened to you.
CUTHBERT: Yes, it might have, but I'm still inclined to doubt that I ever said those words.
CLIFFORD: You said them, and that is that.
CUTHBERT: Oh well, there's no need for us to argue about it.
CLIFFORD: No, there isn't.
CUTHBERT: You'll just have to admit that you're mistaken.
CLIFFORD: (Loses his temper.) I'll do no such thing! I am not mistaken!
CUTHBERT: You needn't throw a fit.
CLIFFORD: (Quite angry.) I tell you, I am not mistaken!
CUTHBERT: Now, seriously, I ask you, do I actually look as if I was the kind of person who would be likely to say something as glaringly random, as overtly meaningless, as patently foolish as, "Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity"?
CLIFFORD: Well, regardless of how you look or do not look, you did say it.
CUTHBERT: You know, if you were to claim that I had said, "Amiable psychopaths frequently constitute a passing threat to the safety of underage trombones," or "Unintended delusions have never been known to fly backwards within the context of empty presumptions," or even "Concrete hamsters usually are preferable to plastic barracudas as reliable purveyors of long-term companionship," I might almost be able to believe you, but not, "Adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity."
CLIFFORD: Well, that is what you said.
CUTHBERT: Yes, so you claim.
CLIFFORD: It is not a mere claim. You did say it.
CUTHBERT: Oh, I don't know about that.
CLIFFORD: You said it.
CUTHBERT: Well, I certainly have no memory of saying it, none at all.
CLIFFORD: Nevertheless, you did say it.
CUTHBERT: Well, I don't suppose it actually makes much of a difference, one way or the other, does it?
CLIFFORD: (Less angry.) No, probably not.
CUTHBERT: Oh, by the way, did you know that... (pauses for effect, then speaks, slowly and deliberately)... adjustable marshmallows offer infinite hope for all humanity?
CLIFFORD: Yes, so I've heard.