Elmer Boffington Holds Forth on the Current State of the World
Would you be so kind as to lend me your ears, just for a moment? With your gracious permission, I would like to offer a few words for your consideration, words that will be to your benefit. I can assure you that it would be in your best interests to listen. I promise that I will try not to take up too much of your valuable time, but it so happens that I, Elmer Boffington, have something of great import to tell you, something that you need to hear before another moment has passed. Something that everyone needs to hear, urgently, before it is too late and all is lost. It concerns the current state of the world.
First, allow me to ask you a vital question. Do you know what is wrong with the world nowadays? I advise you to be careful not to answer that question too quickly. You may think that you know what is wrong with the world, but perhaps you are in error. Perhaps you are merely deceiving yourself. Can you honestly declare that you truly know, truly perceive, and truly understand the full totality of what is wrong with the world? If you do not truly know what is wrong with the world, there is no cause to worry or to be fretful, because I am here to tell you what is wrong. I can tell you because I know, better than anyone else, what is wrong with the world nowadays.
Everywhere looks today, all one sees is an utter lack of propriety! Yes, my friends, everywhere one looks, all the time, every hour of the day! Lutheran chickens playing tubas! Umbrellas pretending to be flagpoles! Aardvarks studying philosophy! Skyscrapers made of ice cream! Psychiatrists without shoes! Grecian urns filled with lemonade! Plumbers giving lectures on medieval literature! Elephants romping on stilts! Bicycles that only ride backward! Absent-minded clergymen refusing to eat bananas! Elderly wrestlers from Hoboken, New Jersey, getting themselves engaged to European princesses! Italian operas being performed underwater! Schoolchildren abandoning their schoolwork and putting their teachers into cages! Vacuum cleaners that speak Latin! Middle-aged stockbrokers standing on their heads!
Day after day, the lack of propriety is getting worse and worse and worse! Penguins writing indiscreet letters to astrophysicists! Wild-eyed spinsters and shy bachelors dancing the tango in the middle of the street at midnight! Refrigerators filled with plastic food! Water buffaloes establishing their own religion! Teenage sorcerers turning luxury hotels into cardboard boxes! Pink flamingos wearing purple girdles! Statisticians walking in circles until they drop from extreme weariness! Telephones that receive calls from distant galaxies! Near-sighted kangaroos openly advocating revolution! Bald economists living in igloos and knitting woolen socks! All of these things represent a glaring lack of propriety, and there is more, much more than you could ever imagine! I could go on at length!
Now you have been told! Now you cannot say that you do not know what is wrong with the world! Can you see how serious it is? Can you see how this widespread lack of propriety threatens to destroy the entire foundation of our collective existence? Humanity must awaken itself from its stuporous condition and contend with the dreadful challenge that shadows its fate! The future of morality and civility is at stake! Time is of the essence! The hour of doom is at hand! In closing, I ask you to stop and give at least a short period of calm, sober reflection to what you have heard. Please heed my words! Thank you for listening.
First, allow me to ask you a vital question. Do you know what is wrong with the world nowadays? I advise you to be careful not to answer that question too quickly. You may think that you know what is wrong with the world, but perhaps you are in error. Perhaps you are merely deceiving yourself. Can you honestly declare that you truly know, truly perceive, and truly understand the full totality of what is wrong with the world? If you do not truly know what is wrong with the world, there is no cause to worry or to be fretful, because I am here to tell you what is wrong. I can tell you because I know, better than anyone else, what is wrong with the world nowadays.
Everywhere looks today, all one sees is an utter lack of propriety! Yes, my friends, everywhere one looks, all the time, every hour of the day! Lutheran chickens playing tubas! Umbrellas pretending to be flagpoles! Aardvarks studying philosophy! Skyscrapers made of ice cream! Psychiatrists without shoes! Grecian urns filled with lemonade! Plumbers giving lectures on medieval literature! Elephants romping on stilts! Bicycles that only ride backward! Absent-minded clergymen refusing to eat bananas! Elderly wrestlers from Hoboken, New Jersey, getting themselves engaged to European princesses! Italian operas being performed underwater! Schoolchildren abandoning their schoolwork and putting their teachers into cages! Vacuum cleaners that speak Latin! Middle-aged stockbrokers standing on their heads!
Day after day, the lack of propriety is getting worse and worse and worse! Penguins writing indiscreet letters to astrophysicists! Wild-eyed spinsters and shy bachelors dancing the tango in the middle of the street at midnight! Refrigerators filled with plastic food! Water buffaloes establishing their own religion! Teenage sorcerers turning luxury hotels into cardboard boxes! Pink flamingos wearing purple girdles! Statisticians walking in circles until they drop from extreme weariness! Telephones that receive calls from distant galaxies! Near-sighted kangaroos openly advocating revolution! Bald economists living in igloos and knitting woolen socks! All of these things represent a glaring lack of propriety, and there is more, much more than you could ever imagine! I could go on at length!
Now you have been told! Now you cannot say that you do not know what is wrong with the world! Can you see how serious it is? Can you see how this widespread lack of propriety threatens to destroy the entire foundation of our collective existence? Humanity must awaken itself from its stuporous condition and contend with the dreadful challenge that shadows its fate! The future of morality and civility is at stake! Time is of the essence! The hour of doom is at hand! In closing, I ask you to stop and give at least a short period of calm, sober reflection to what you have heard. Please heed my words! Thank you for listening.