Out of My Mind

It may come as a great surprise to you to know that I have not always been completely out of my mind. No, not always, not completely. The truth is, I have only been completely out of my mind since last Thursday. (I might have been slightly out of my mind before last Thursday, but only slightly, not even close to completely, and no one noticed, so I figure that it does not matter.) I can tell you that, so far, the overall experience of being completely out of my mind has been quite enjoyable, and certainly is the most fun that I have had since I went to Monte Carlo when I was seven and a half years old, for a wild weekend of wine, women, and roulette. (Mostly roulette.)

I have also found that being out of one's mind makes life much easier. No matter what I do or say, regardless of how odd or how strange or how untoward it might be, no one appears to be the least bit perturbed by it. They merely smile and say to one another, "Oh, don't worry about him, he's out of his mind." To give an example, the day before yesterday I suddenly was moved to kick one of my neighbors in the shin, for no reason at all, and he kindly responded with a gentle laugh, saying, "There you go again, my fine fellow, acting in the particular way that one tends to act when one is completely out of one's mind, as is so evidently the case with yourself." Then he kicked me back, but I reckoned that to be fair enough.

I should make it as thoroughly clear as I can that, in my view, being completely out of one's mind, as I happily am, is entirely different than suffering from the run-of-the-mill condition that is usually referred to as being "crazy." Any person can be crazy, and many people are (if you doubt me, I advise you to take a quick look around, paying special heed to the daily actions of your family and friends, and you will soon see what I mean), but being out of one's mind, totally and utterly, is something else altogether. I like to think of being out of one's mind as a blithe state in which one is pleasingly elevated above the rabble, as if lifted by the strength of a divine power, and released from the tiresome constraints of rational behavior.

If there is ever an award given for being out of one's mind, I hope that my own name will be accorded a proper degree of consideration. I can assure you that my motives in such an instance would be entirely pure. I would not have any interest in pocketing the enormous sum of money that frequently is included with an award of that kind (when one is out of one's mind, one generally finds that one has little need for money, whether it be an enormous sum or otherwise), but the award itself would, undoubtedly, be a nice thing, as long as the actual bestowal is not carried out in an overly grand manner. While I do admit to being completely out of my mind, it should not be assumed that I am lacking in essential humility.