The Book of Udd
Hearken to the wisdom of Udd, the creator of all beings and all things (including the gnat and the swizzle stick), who is the beginning, the middle, the end, and all the bits in between! Humble yourself and prostrate your soul before the awesome majesty of Udd, the most formidable of all deities, the prime deity to whom all other deities must meekly defer, whose breadth of mind far exceeds the common range of human understanding, and who knows all there is to know, without ever having gone to school!
All true followers of Udd must be prepared to conform themselves, fully and abjectly, to the Unassailable Precepts of Uddism, as set forth in the Book of Udd. If they should fail in their obligation to conform themselves, they will be subject to the fearsome wrath of Udd, a dreadful fate that is too hideous to imagine, and they also will be required to say in a loud voice, "I hereby declare that I am an extremely naughty person," seven hundred and fifty-nine times, before an audience of their peers.
In the Book of Udd, it is written thus:
Taking the longest path will usually consume more time than taking the shortest path.
Be ever mindful that a walrus in a raincoat can be a dodgy character, particularly if he answers to the name of "Sigmund."
If you respond to the ring of a telephone and find that the person on the other end of the line is yourself, it is best to quickly hang up.
Although you cannot teach new tricks to an old dog, you sometimes can teach old tricks to a new dog.
Look both ways before walking across a street, and to be absolutely safe, look up and down, too.
When things are going badly and all else has failed, close your eyes and pretend that you are a cucumber.
An enterprising person of business should always maintain a ready provision of artificial smiles.
Regardless of whether your glass is half empty or half full, it is a decided nuisance if the glass tips over and its contents spill into your lap.
It is more blessed to give than to receive, but if you do receive something, be certain that, if necessary, it can be returned or exchanged.
Any attempt to put an ocean into a paper bag is ill-advised, even if the ocean itself is fairly small.
Never seek to outwit a coconut, because no matter how hard one might try, a coconut cannot be outwitted.
Watch your step at all times, especially if there is a strong likelihood that you might be stepping off a cliff.
People who do not like celery should, in most instances, be approached with extreme caution.
Remembering to forget usually requires more effort than forgetting to remember.
When all is said and done, there will be nothing left to say or do.
The truth of Udd (not to be confused with the truth of Umm, an altogether different deity whose truth, if one can actually call it that, is generally held to be of considerably lesser value) is pure and perfect and perpetual! The essence of Udd is infinitely wonderful and utterly overwhelming! It cannot be questioned or disputed or dismissed! The righteous way of Uddism, as conveyed in the glorious revelations of Udd, transcends the structure of the cosmos, and has proven itself to be the only reliable means of achieving eternal salvation and avoiding the curse of higher taxes!
When the unyielding power of Udd is revealed at the height of its towering fullness, the tallest mountains will turn to mush, and every bank in the world will disappear in an instant! Easygoing waitresses will lose their cool and forget how to pronounce their own names, and Albanian blacksmiths will fall to their knees in speechless terror! Only those who are unceasingly steadfast and entirely faithful in their dedication to the faultless law of Uddism can hope to survive the harsh judgment of Udd, and even they will be forced to undergo a close examination, as well as being asked to change their underwear more frequently than usual!
Act now, while supplies last! (Quantities may vary.) Do not miss your golden opportunity to be saved! (While also receiving, as our special gift to you, a course of fifteen lessons in the useful art of basketry.) It is foretold by Udd that a sharp rise in the price of chewing gum will alarm the masses and herald the coming of the final showdown! Heed the call of Uddism, before the inescapable day of relentless condemnation arrives at your door! Wash your elbows daily, eat plenty of vegetables, and beware the wrath of Udd!
All true followers of Udd must be prepared to conform themselves, fully and abjectly, to the Unassailable Precepts of Uddism, as set forth in the Book of Udd. If they should fail in their obligation to conform themselves, they will be subject to the fearsome wrath of Udd, a dreadful fate that is too hideous to imagine, and they also will be required to say in a loud voice, "I hereby declare that I am an extremely naughty person," seven hundred and fifty-nine times, before an audience of their peers.
In the Book of Udd, it is written thus:
Taking the longest path will usually consume more time than taking the shortest path.
Be ever mindful that a walrus in a raincoat can be a dodgy character, particularly if he answers to the name of "Sigmund."
If you respond to the ring of a telephone and find that the person on the other end of the line is yourself, it is best to quickly hang up.
Although you cannot teach new tricks to an old dog, you sometimes can teach old tricks to a new dog.
Look both ways before walking across a street, and to be absolutely safe, look up and down, too.
When things are going badly and all else has failed, close your eyes and pretend that you are a cucumber.
An enterprising person of business should always maintain a ready provision of artificial smiles.
Regardless of whether your glass is half empty or half full, it is a decided nuisance if the glass tips over and its contents spill into your lap.
It is more blessed to give than to receive, but if you do receive something, be certain that, if necessary, it can be returned or exchanged.
Any attempt to put an ocean into a paper bag is ill-advised, even if the ocean itself is fairly small.
Never seek to outwit a coconut, because no matter how hard one might try, a coconut cannot be outwitted.
Watch your step at all times, especially if there is a strong likelihood that you might be stepping off a cliff.
People who do not like celery should, in most instances, be approached with extreme caution.
Remembering to forget usually requires more effort than forgetting to remember.
When all is said and done, there will be nothing left to say or do.
The truth of Udd (not to be confused with the truth of Umm, an altogether different deity whose truth, if one can actually call it that, is generally held to be of considerably lesser value) is pure and perfect and perpetual! The essence of Udd is infinitely wonderful and utterly overwhelming! It cannot be questioned or disputed or dismissed! The righteous way of Uddism, as conveyed in the glorious revelations of Udd, transcends the structure of the cosmos, and has proven itself to be the only reliable means of achieving eternal salvation and avoiding the curse of higher taxes!
When the unyielding power of Udd is revealed at the height of its towering fullness, the tallest mountains will turn to mush, and every bank in the world will disappear in an instant! Easygoing waitresses will lose their cool and forget how to pronounce their own names, and Albanian blacksmiths will fall to their knees in speechless terror! Only those who are unceasingly steadfast and entirely faithful in their dedication to the faultless law of Uddism can hope to survive the harsh judgment of Udd, and even they will be forced to undergo a close examination, as well as being asked to change their underwear more frequently than usual!
Act now, while supplies last! (Quantities may vary.) Do not miss your golden opportunity to be saved! (While also receiving, as our special gift to you, a course of fifteen lessons in the useful art of basketry.) It is foretold by Udd that a sharp rise in the price of chewing gum will alarm the masses and herald the coming of the final showdown! Heed the call of Uddism, before the inescapable day of relentless condemnation arrives at your door! Wash your elbows daily, eat plenty of vegetables, and beware the wrath of Udd!