The Purpose of Life

By Michael Collins Morton
A chance meeting between two strangers on a city street.

FIRST MAN: I beg your pardon, sir, but I am in urgent need of some information. Could you help me? 

SECOND MAN: Yes, of course. What would you like to know?

FIRST MAN: What is the purpose of life?

SECOND MAN: The purpose of life?

FIRST MAN: Yes, the purpose of life. I want to know the purpose of life.

SECOND MAN: I can see that you're not one for beating around the bush.

FIRST MAN: No, I believe that it's best to be direct.

SECOND MAN: Yes, I agree, it generally is best to be direct. So, you want to know the purpose of life? That's a tricky one. I hardly know how to approach it.

FIRST MAN: I have no doubt that it is, as you say, a tricky one. Nevertheless, it would be most helpful to me if you would make an attempt to provide the information that I have requested.

SECOND MAN: Well, to be completely honest, I'm not certain that I can claim to know the purpose of life.

FIRST MAN: Oh dear, I was hoping that you would be able to tell me. When I first saw you, I took you to be someone who would know the purpose of life.

SECOND MAN: Oh, did you? Well, I suppose it could be said that I do know a thing or two, but, I mean, the purpose of life, that's a tricky one.

FIRST MAN: Yes, you already said that.

SECOND MAN: I hardly know how to approach it.

FIRST MAN: You already said that, too.

SECOND MAN: Oh, did I?

FIRST MAN: Yes, you did. Couldn't you at least try to tell me?

SECOND MAN: Yes, I suppose I could, if it actually means that much to you.

FIRST MAN: Oh, I can promise you, sir, that it means a great deal to me.

SECOND MAN: Well, then, I would say that the purpose of life is...

FIRST MAN: Yes, go on...

SECOND MAN: I would say that the purpose of life is...

FIRST MAN: What? What is it that you are trying to say?

SECOND MAN: I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought.

FIRST MAN: You were going to tell me the purpose of life.

SECOND MAN: Yes, that's right. The purpose of life...

FIRST MAN: The sooner you tell me, sir, the better.

SECOND MAN: Well, I would say that the purpose of life is… the purpose of life is...

FIRST MAN: Yes, yes, I'm listening...

SECOND MAN: What were we talking about?

FIRST MAN: Did you lose your train of thought again?

SECOND MAN: Yes, I'm afraid I did.

FIRST MAN: Perhaps I didn't pose my inquiry in the correct way.

SECOND MAN: No, it's not that.

FIRST MAN: If you prefer, I could submit my inquiry to someone else.

SECOND MAN: No, that won't be necessary. I think I can handle it. I'm not entirely without intellect, you know. Just give me another moment.

FIRST MAN: Could you please get on with it, sir? I'm in something of a hurry.

SECOND MAN: All right, in my opinion, which I do not pretend to be more insightful than the opinion of any other person, I would say that the purpose of life is... the purpose of life is... the purpose of life is...

FIRST MAN: You've lost your train of thought again, haven't you?

SECOND MAN: Yes, it seems that I have. Whenever I try to express my view in regard to the purpose of life, my mind starts to wander.

FIRST MAN: Pardon me for saying so, sir, but I think you need to get a grip on yourself.

SECOND MAN: Yes, you're absolutely right, I do need to get a grip on myself. I don't understand what's wrong with me today. I'm all at loose ends. I don't usually find it so difficult to express my thoughts.

FIRST MAN: Well, it's not necessary for you to get overwrought about it.

SECOND MAN: No, I suppose not.

FIRST MAN: After all, it's only the purpose of life that we're discussing.

SECOND MAN: Yes, only the purpose of life!

FIRST MAN: However, I still would like to have a response to my inquiry.

SECOND MAN: Yes, I suppose I do owe you that much.

FIRST MAN: Yes, you do.

SECOND MAN: I'll try one more time. The purpose of life, wasn't it?

FIRST MAN: Yes.

SECOND MAN: All right, here I go. The purpose of life. I'm not a philosopher, but, having considered your inquiry with due care and with due seriousness, my response to you is as follows. The purpose of life is... the purpose of life is...

FIRST MAN: Not again?

SECOND MAN: I'm afraid so.

FIRST MAN: I must say, your mind certainly is prone to wandering.

SECOND MAN: I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed. Please forgive me. What more can I say?

FIRST MAN: You could tell me the purpose of life.

SECOND MAN: Well, you see, that appears to be the problem, doesn't it? No matter how hard I try, I can't succeed in saying anything about the purpose of life.

FIRST MAN: Are you trying to tell me that life has no purpose?

SECOND MAN: No, not at all. I would never presume to say that life has no purpose. I'm just having trouble getting my thoughts together.

FIRST MAN: Frankly, sir, this is becoming a bit tiresome.

SECOND MAN: Well, I'm not enjoying it, either, but you're the one who started it.

FIRST MAN: I clearly made a mistake in thinking that you might be able to help me. If I had known that you would have so much difficulty in telling me the purpose of life, I never would have asked you.

SECOND MAN: You don't need to be so disagreeable! I'm trying to respond to your inquiry!

FIRST MAN: Perhaps you are, but honesty compels me to say that, so far, you have not been much help. Besides, it is you who is being disagreeable.

SECOND MAN: That's a cheap shot! I am not being disagreeable! I just find your inquiry to be a little confusing, that's all.

FIRST MAN: More than a little, I would say.

SECOND MAN: I think this particular discussion has expended itself. I'm a reasonable person, and I'm quite willing to be of help, but I can't spend all day talking at length, to no apparent end, trying to explain the purpose of life to a stranger.

FIRST MAN: What a lame excuse! You're just saying that because you don't want to tell me the purpose of life.

SECOND MAN: No, that's not true. You're being manifestly unfair. Why would I not want to tell you? Believe me, if I could tell you the purpose of life, I would. In any case, I think this discussion should be concluded without further delay.

FIRST MAN: Yes, that seems best, but I do have one more inquiry.

SECOND MAN: One more? Will this ordeal never end?

FIRST MAN: One more, and then I'll go on my way and leave you alone.

SECOND MAN: Oh, all right. What is it?

FIRST MAN: Do you have the current time?

SECOND MAN: No, I'm sorry, but I don't have a watch.

FIRST MAN: Somehow, I'm not surprised.

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