An Almost Completely Honest Account of Several Apparently Untoward Things That Happened to a Certain Person

As a certain person was out and about one day, harmlessly minding his own business and presuming (rightly or wrongly) that every other person in the world was occupied in minding their own business, too, he came upon a small mirror, lying in front of him on the sidewalk. He bent down, taking hold of the mirror and gazing into it, and was thoroughly puzzled when he saw not his own reflection, but an entirely different reflection, the reflection of someone other than himself, someone who was, as far as he could tell at a glance, totally unknown to him. He had somewhere to go, so he thought no more of it and quickly went on his way, leaving the mirror where he had found it.

A few moments after finding the mirror in which he had seen the reflection of someone other than himself, someone totally unknown to him, he encountered a herd of Thomson's gazelles, each of whom wore a pair of expensive sunglasses, standing in the middle of the street. Because he was not in Africa, where Thomson's gazelles are usually found, he took it as somewhat odd that a herd of Thomson's gazelles should be standing in the middle of that particular street, wearing expensive sunglasses, but, having always been generally broad-minded in his outlook, and not being one to concern himself over trifles, he accepted it without further worry and kept walking onward.

He proceeded along, idly humming a happy tune to himself as he walked, until he looked to one side and saw in the distance, resting in an open space on the ground, an enormous banana. Its smooth skin was bright yellow, signifying a delicious condition of full ripeness, and it was as big as a jetliner. The enormous banana soon was joined by an enormous apple, and then by an apricot, a pear, a peach, a strawberry, a plum, a watermelon, a cantaloupe, a pomegranate, a mango, a papaya, a tangerine, and finally, a lemon, all of them equally enormous and equally ripe. They were, he concluded without any reservation, the biggest pieces of fruit that he had ever seen.

Shortly afterward, the same person beheld the sight of Napoleon Bonaparte (formerly known as the Emperor of the French, but lately making a name for himself as the witty host of a talk show on American television) astride a bicycle. As Napoleon rode past, he cheerily called out, "Hello there, nice to see you!" Following closely behind Napoleon was a Cistercian monk, riding an Italian motor scooter and singing "The Girl Can't Help It" at the top of his lungs. Although these things would probably have been perceived, by most people, as being apparently untoward, to a certain person (who might be said to possess a passing resemblance to myself) they were easily taken in stride.