Miss Prithee Makes a Purchase
Miss Coriander Prithee is a woman who knows a good deal when she sees one, so it follows that she was quick to avail herself of an opportunity to purchase the full rights of ownership to Sir Burberry Dingleton, at a cost of three shillings and ninepence, when his entire person (including body, intellect, and soul) was up for sale at an auction. Miss Prithee reasoned that gaining complete ownership to someone of Sir Burberry Dingleton's stature, for such a comparatively small amount of money, was a rare chance that should not be missed. Having made her purchase and taken Sir Burberry home to her tiny flat, she now finds that the situation is not entirely without problems.
MISS PRITHEE: Are you settling in?
SIR BURBERRY: Well, I must say, these surroundings are not quite up to the usual standard of grandness to which I have become accustomed.
MISS PRITHEE: No, I don't suppose they are, but sometimes it's good to have a change, don't you think?
SIR BURBERRY: It remains to be seen whether this particular change will be for good or for ill!
MISS PRITHEE: You might as well make the best of it, because you're not going anywhere.
SIR BURBERRY: You seem quite certain of that.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, I did purchase you. I have a bill of sale.
SIR BURBERRY: Now, look here, you don't own me!
MISS PRITHEE: Well, actually, yes, I do.
SIR BURBERRY: Oh yes, I suppose that's correct. Well, you may own me, in a manner of speaking, but I am not your slave, to do with as you please!
MISS PRITHEE: No, you're certainly not a slave.
SIR BURBERRY: I should say not!
MISS PRITHEE: You're more of a pet.
SIR BURBERRY: A pet?
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, of a kind. After all, I did buy the full rights of ownership to your entire person.
SIR BURBERRY: My entire person?
MISS PRITHEE: Your entire person, total and complete. A wise purchase, if I may say so.
SIR BURBERRY: Yes, and worth every confounded penny, I should think.
MISS PRITHEE: Three shillings and ninepence, as it happens.
SIR BURBERRY: It should have been much more, but I was having an off day.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, that can happen to anyone. In any case, I regard you as a bargain.
SIR BURBERRY: A bargain, you say?
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, without question, a bargain.
SIR BURBERRY: I don’t know which is worse, being a pet or being a bargain.
MISS PRITHEE: I suppose it all depends on how you choose to look at it.
SIR BURBERRY: Yes, quite so.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, then, shall we get down to the business at hand?
SIR BURBERRY: What sort of business might that be?
MISS PRITHEE: The business of coming to a mutual understanding.
SIR BURBERRY: What is it that needs to be mutually understood?
MISS PRITHEE: Well, to begin with, I must lay down a few rules. You are to heed all my commands and obey me at all times.
SIR BURBERRY: At all times?
MISS PRITHEE: Yes.
SIR BURBERRY: Oh, all right, if I must. I don't appear to have much leeway in the matter.
MISS PRITHEE: No, you don't.
SIR BURBERRY: You needn’t rub it in.
MISS PRITHEE: All right, then. We shall commence.
(Miss Prithee throws a stick.)
SIR BURBERRY: Why did you do that?
MISS PRITHEE: Fetch!
SIR BURBERRY: I will do no such thing!
MISS PRITHEE: Come on, be a sport. Fetch!
SIR BURBERRY: I will not.
MISS PRITHEE: Fetch!
SIR BURBERRY: I refuse to fetch a stick. I do have my pride, you know.
MISS PRITHEE: Pride has nothing to do with it. I own you, so therefore you must obey me.
SIR BURBERRY: No! I will not fetch a stick!
MISS PRITHEE: You're being very difficult.
SIR BURBERRY: I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
MISS PRITHEE: Very difficult, indeed.
SIR BURBERRY: Call it whatever you like.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, pride notwithstanding, could you just fetch the stick, anyway?
SIR BURBERRY: Only if you ask nicely.
MISS PRITHEE: Please?
SIR BURBERRY: Well...
MISS PRITHEE: Please, with jam on it?
SIR BURBERRY: Fine, but only this once.
MISS PRITHEE: It's not much to ask.
SIR BURBERRY: No, I suppose it isn't, but I want you to know that I still don't like it, and I don’t intend to make a habit of it.
MISS PRITHEE: Fair enough.
SIR BURBERRY: Just as long as I have made myself clear.
MISS PRITHEE: Perfectly.
SIR BURBERRY: Good.
MISS PRITHEE: Oh, by the way, let's get married.
SIR BURBERRY: What did you say?
MISS PRITHEE: Let’s get married.
SIR BURBERRY: Married?
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, married. You know, with this ring I thee wed, husband and wife, happily ever after, that sort of thing.
SIR BURBERRY: Are you serious?
MISS PRITHEE: Quite serious, actually.
SIR BURBERRY: I don't know what to say.
MISS PRITHEE: Say, "Yes."
SIR BURBERRY: It's all so sudden.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, I'm not one to dillydally.
SIR BURBERRY: I can see that.
MISS PRITHEE: Marrying me is not the worst thing that you could do. Would you rather spend the rest of your life fetching sticks?
SIR BURBERRY: No, certainly not.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, then, let's get married.
SIR BURBERRY: Would I still have to heed all your commands and obey you at all times?
MISS PRITHEE: Of course.
SIR BURBERRY: I knew there would be a catch.
MISS PRITHEE: Well, there usually is, isn't there?
SIR BURBERRY: Yes, there usually is.
(Sir Burberry becomes lost in his own thoughts.)
MISS PRITHEE: I await your answer.
SIR BURBERRY: Well, I suppose that, given all the available choices, it might well be the best course of action.
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, it might well be.
SIR BURBERRY: One might even go so far as to say that, as an Englishman, it is my duty to marry you.
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, one might.
SIR BURBERRY: I presume you are aware that if you were to become my wife, you would, thereafter, be known to the world as "Lady Dingleton." Would that suit you?
MISS PRITHEE: Yes, I daresay it would suit me. I rather like the sound of "Sir Burberry Dingleton and his wife, Lady Dingleton."
SIR BURBERRY: I agree, it does fall quaintly on the ear. Yes, the more I think of it, the more I am inclined to think that it might work.
MISS PRITHEE: You'll marry me, then?
SIR BURBERRY: Yes, I'll marry you.
MISS PRITHEE: In that case, I'll fetch the stick myself.