Odd Utterances
Odd utterances, overheard in random situations, both public and private.
"I thought he had gone too far when he claimed to be the greatest person in history, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to see that, at the very least, he was slightly greater than me."
"You'd never know it to look at me, but I used to play the piano with my nose."
"Being married is all right for other people, I guess, but I'd rather spend my life on a desert island, with nothing but coconuts to keep me company."
"I don't know what you're talking about, and furthermore, I don't want to know."
"The main problem with America, as I see it, is that it's filled with Americans."
"Maybe it's true that all the redheaded people in the world are engaged in an ongoing conspiracy against you, but you'll never be able to prove it."
"What does one say to a lawyer who is trying to pass himself off as an armchair?"
"They say that if one can succeed in being completely still for the entirety of one's life, nothing happens."
"My neighbors across the street are quite down-to-earth, aside from their quaint custom of baying at the moon every night."
"He's not the tallest boyfriend that I've ever had, or the smartest, but I can't resist the allure of his elbows."
"If it was left to me, everyone would be required to keep raw potatoes in their pockets, whether they liked it or not!"
"I don't believe everything that I hear, but I also don't hear everything that I believe."
"What do you think I am, some kind of amoeba?"
"No, actually, that's not even close to being the craziest thing I've ever heard."
"After that, everything is a bit hazy, but I do have a faint memory of dancing naked on the roof of my house at six o'clock in the morning."
"I've always been offended at the manner in which huge corporations make themselves rich by ruthlessly exploiting the crude desires of the masses, but I guess that's just how capitalism works."
"I once kept both of my eyes closed for eight hours, but I was sleeping at the time, so it didn't cause any problems."
"In my opinion, and I've said this many times before, most people are inclined to repeat themselves when expressing their views."
"I could never be absolutely certain, but I always suspected that my uncle had formerly worked for the government as an undercover chimpanzee."
"When she told me that I bore a strong resemblance to her first husband, I knew that I was in trouble."
"The tricky thing is, unless I stop buying so many books that offer advice on how to save money, I'm likely to go broke."
"I used to have a rhinoceros as a pet when I was younger, but I could never get him to do any tricks."
"Don't you dare try to tell me that I'm too contentious!"
"There's something not quite right about that fellow over there with the squirrel on his head."
"What you say might well be true, but that doesn't mean that it's not also completely false."
"If they continue to put up such tall buildings, the sky will have to be raised."
"I'll admit that, at first, I was greatly taken aback when I found out that my brother was the reincarnation of Queen Victoria, but the more I thought about it, the less I was surprised."
"He told me that he wanted to have a fling with me, and I told him that he could fling himself off a cliff, for all I cared."
"Well, I didn't mind so much at the beginning, but after a while I did get tired of having to carry a drunken walrus around on my back."
"I found a million dollars lying in the street last Tuesday, and the next day I spent it all on bubble gum."
"It's a good thing that your ill-considered beliefs regarding the casual use of paper clips in a domestic setting are not more widely held, because if they were, it would signify the darkest doom for all humanity."
"She says that she's a countess, but I seriously doubt whether she can even count from one to ten."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, but since I'm not you, I suppose it doesn't matter."
"You can spout your half-baked philosophy as much as you like, but at the end of the day, a banana is still a banana."
"I don't suppose there's any likelihood of all this being a laughable mistake, is there?"
"I know what you're thinking, and I'm thinking it, too, but we're both entirely wrong."
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"On the last occasion that I came here, I decided never to come back, which is why I'm not here now."
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"The best thing about being famous is that, if you want to, you can wear the same pair of socks for three days in a row, and everyone will still think you're cool."
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"How in the hell would I know whether there is life on other planets?"
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"If I had a penny for every time that I've been described as an intellectual, I'd have two cents."
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