The Long Betrothal of Seymour Higginbottom and Matilda Witherspoon
On a Sunday afternoon in Mothball, Ohio, in 1948, Miss Matilda Witherspoon, a middle-aged stenographer, is entertaining a caller, Mr. Seymour Higginbottom, a middle-aged ornithologist. They are sitting in the front room of the house that Matilda shares with her mother, Mrs. Witherspoon.
MATILDA: Have you looked at the calendar lately, Seymour? Summer is almost here.
SEYMOUR: Yes, Matilda, summer is almost here.
MATILDA: June is a good month for a wedding.
SEYMOUR: To you, Matilda, every month is a good month for a wedding.
MATILDA: Seymour, when are we going to be married?
SEYMOUR: Must you always raise that particular subject?
MATILDA: I'm a patient woman, Seymour, but my patience is not endless. I want to know when we are going to be married.
SEYMOUR: Don't get yourself in a dither again, Matilda. We'll get around to marriage one of these days.
MATILDA: When, Seymour? When will we get around to marriage?
SEYMOUR: Why are you always in such a hurry? Marriage is a serious matter. It should not be approached in haste.
MATILDA: Do you have any intention of ever approaching it, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: I gave you a ring, didn't I?
MATILDA: Yes, you did give me a ring, but that was twenty-three years ago!
SEYMOUR: I told you at the time that I believed in long betrothals.
MATILDA: Long? Is that what you call it, Seymour? I would say that our betrothal has become something more than merely long. We've entered a state of perpetual betrothal!
SEYMOUR: Do you want to return the ring?
MATILDA: No, Seymour, I do not want to return the ring. I just want to set a date for our wedding!
SEYMOUR: I'm going to put an end to this, right now!
MATILDA: What are you going to do?
SEYMOUR: I'm going to throw myself out of the window!
(Seymour gets up from his chair and walks over to the nearest window.)
MATILDA: Seymour, that window is only a few feet above the ground.
SEYMOUR: Oh, so it is. I hadn't noticed.
MATILDA: You could throw yourself out of an upstairs window.
SEYMOUR: Yes, I suppose I could.
MATILDA: Well, Seymour, what are you going to do?
SEYMOUR: Why are you always in such a hurry, Matilda? Throwing oneself out of a window is a serious matter. It should not be approached in haste.
MATILDA: Would you like some lemonade while you are making up your mind?
SEYMOUR: Yes, that would be nice.
(Seymour sits down again, and Mrs. Witherspoon enters the room.)
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Good afternoon, Seymour.
SEYMOUR: Good afternoon, Mrs. Witherspoon.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Is that a new suit, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: No, Mrs. Witherspoon. It's the same suit that I have worn every Sunday for the past twelve years.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Oh, I thought it might be new.
SEYMOUR: No, Mrs. Witherspoon.
MATILDA: Seymour is quite regular in his habits, Mother.
SEYMOUR: Yes, it's true. I am quite regular in my habits. I see nothing wrong in that.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Seymour, when are you and Matilda going to be married?
SEYMOUR: That does it!
(Seymour gets up from his chair again.)
MATILDA: Where are you going, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: To find an upstairs window!
(Seymour leaves the room.)
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Is Seymour always so excitable?
MATILDA: He gets upset whenever our wedding is mentioned. Last week he threatened to join the Foreign Legion. The week before that he threatened to go to South America and throw himself into the Amazon River.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: You should have married Hugo Cridley. He had a calm disposition.
MATILDA: Mother, you know perfectly well that I never received a proposal from Hugo Cridley. I hardly even knew him.
(Seymour's voice is heard from upstairs.)
SEYMOUR: Goodbye, Matilda! I'm going to throw myself out of this window!!
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Hugo was such a handsome man. All the girls wanted to marry him.
MATILDA: Seymour, I'm pouring the lemonade!
(Seymour returns from upstairs.)
SEYMOUR: I'll have just one glass of lemonade, Matilda, then I'm going back upstairs to throw myself out of the window.
MATILDA: Yes, Seymour. Please sit down.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Seymour, did you know Hugo Cridley?
SEYMOUR: Who is Hugo Cridley?
MRS. WITHERSPOON: He was a handsome man who wanted to marry Matilda.
MATILDA: Mother, Hugo never proposed to me. He never even called on me!
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Hugo was the most handsome man in town.
SEYMOUR: I think that I remember him now. Didn't he work in the bank?
MRS. WITHERSPOON: I once heard a rumor that Hugo went out to Hollywood and got himself into the movies.
MATILDA: Mother, what on earth are you talking about? Hugo never went to Hollywood. He lives in Weedville. He's been married for twenty years and has five children.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: You could have been married to a movie star, Matilda!
MATILDA: Mother, are you out of your mind?
SEYMOUR: May I have another glass of lemonade?
(Matilda empties the pitcher of lemonade over Seymour's head.)
SEYMOUR: Thank you, Matilda. This lemonade is quite refreshing.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Will you be staying for dinner, Seymour? We're having a pot roast again. You know, that special recipe that you like so much.
SEYMOUR: The same one that you serve every Sunday?
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Yes, the same one.
SEYMOUR: Well, I suppose that I might as well stay, seeing as I'm already here. I do have a fondness for pot roast.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: That must be the reason you have dinner with us every Sunday.
SEYMOUR: Yes, that must be the reason.
MATILDA: Would you like a towel to dry your head, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: That would be most helpful.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Have you ever thought of going out to Hollywood, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: No, Mrs. Witherspoon, I have not.
MRS. WITHERSPOON: Well, maybe you should. You and Matilda could go there on your honeymoon. That is, if you ever have a honeymoon.
SEYMOUR: Matilda, when will dinner be ready?
MATILDA: At the usual time, Seymour.
(Seymour looks at his watch.)
SEYMOUR: I think my watch has stopped.
MATILDA: It stopped years ago, Seymour.