The Riff and Raff Show
Hello! It's time, once more, for The Riff and Raff Show, starring Riff and Raff! Here they are now... that famous twosome from an unknown region of the outer cosmos, Riff and Raff!
RIFF: Hello! Here we are again!
RAFF: Yes, here we are… again!
RIFF: Let the foolery begin!
RAFF: Bring on the foolery!
RIFF: The more foolery, the better!
RAFF: Foolery aplenty!
RIFF: Foolery galore!
RAFF: Foolery for one and all!
(Canned laughter.)
RIFF: Anything new with you, Raff?
RAFF: Not much, Riff. Anything new with you?
RIFF: Not much.
RAFF: So, it appears that neither of us has anything new to report.
RIFF: Yes, that's how it appears. Of course, how it appears is not necessarily the same as how it is.
RAFF: No, not necessarily the same at all.
RIFF: How it appears could be entirely different from how it is.
RAFF: Yes, entirely different.
RIFF: It all depends on how one looks at the situation.
RAFF: Which situation?
RIFF: Well, for instance, our situation. The situation of neither of us having anything new to report.
RAFF: Oh, that situation.
RIFF: Yes, that situation.
(Raff suddenly falls into deep thought.)
RIFF: What are you thinking about, Raff?
RAFF: Oh, nothing.
RIFF: Nothing?
RAFF: Yes, nothing.
RIFF: How does one think about nothing?
RAFF: Actually, it's quite easy, if one knows how. I've been doing it for years.
RIFF: Have you?
RAFF: Yes, for years. Thinking about nothing has never been a problem for me.
RIFF: I can believe that.
(More canned laughter.)
RAFF: After all, why should I go to the trouble of doing something else, when I could be thinking about nothing?
RIFF: I can't argue with that.
RAFF: Don't even try.
RIFF: By the way, Raff, how would you define the term, "nothing"?
RAFF: Well, nothing is, you know… nothing.
RIFF: So, according to you, "nothing" is defined as being… nothing.
RAFF: Yes, that's my definition. Nothing is nothing.
RIFF: Is there a difference between "nothing" as you define it, and "nothingness" as defined by Jean-Paul Sartre?
RAFF: Who?
RIFF: Jean-Paul Sartre, the French philosopher.
RAFF: Never heard of him.
RIFF: Oh well, it doesn't matter.
RAFF: Not to me, it doesn't.
RIFF: In any case, as you define it, nothing is nothing.
RAFF: Yes, that's it. Nothing is nothing.
RIFF: I get it now! Nothing is nothing!
RAFF: Correct! Nothing is, always has been, and always will be… nothing!
RIFF: I guess that settles it, then.
RAFF: It does as far as I'm concerned.
RIFF: I'm still wondering about one thing, though. Are you absolutely certain that you've never heard of Jean-Paul Sartre?
RAFF: Yes, absolutely certain.
RIFF: Most people have, you know.
RAFF: Have what?
RIFF: Have heard of Jean-Paul Sartre.
RAFF: Maybe they have, but I haven't.
RIFF: Apparently so.
RAFF: Wait a moment. You say this Sartre fellow was a Frenchman?
RIFF: Yes.
RAFF: Was he the one who sang "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"?
RIFF: No, that was Maurice Chevalier.
RAFF: Oh. What sort of songs did Sartre sing?
RIFF: He didn't sing any sort of songs. He wasn't a singer.
RAFF: Not a singer?
RIFF: No.
RAFF: That's probably why I've never heard of him.
RIFF: You know, Raff, it might do you a great deal of good if you made at least a small attempt to broaden your outlook.
RAFF: It so happens that I find my outlook to be more than broad enough for my general purposes.
RIFF: Oh, is that so?
RAFF: Yes, not that it's any of your business.
RIFF: There's no need to be offended.
RAFF: Well, I’m offended nonetheless.
RIFF: Fine, be offended if you want to be offended, but there’s no need.
RAFF: If it's all the same to you, Riff, I'll decide for myself whether I should be offended.
RIFF: Suit yourself.
(An awkward pause.)
RAFF: Did you know that I have ESP?
RIFF: What?
RAFF: I have ESP. Extrasensory perception. I can read people's thoughts.
RIFF: I see. So, when you're not actively engaged in thinking about nothing, you're reading other people's thoughts?
RAFF: That's right.
RIFF: It must be an interesting activity.
RAFF: Oh, it is!
RIFF: What about my own thoughts? What am I thinking right now?
RAFF: Right now, you're thinking that "The Riff and Raff Show, starring Riff and Raff" would be much better as "The Riff Show, starring Riff."
(Another awkward pause.)
RIFF: Well, folks, it's been a lot of fun, but it seems that we have just about run out of time.
RAFF: It does, indeed, seem that way.
RIFF: No need to worry, though. We'll be back!
RAFF: Yes, we'll be back! Whether you like it or not!
RIFF: Goodnight, Raff.
RAFF: Goodnight, Riff.
Remember to tune in next week, when Riff and Raff will bring you a special preview of the coming Apocalypse, with a guest appearance by the Four Horsemen! It's going to be a million laughs! Don't miss it!
RIFF: Let the foolery begin!
RAFF: Bring on the foolery!
RIFF: The more foolery, the better!
RAFF: Foolery aplenty!
RIFF: Foolery galore!
RAFF: Foolery for one and all!
(Canned laughter.)
RIFF: Anything new with you, Raff?
RAFF: Not much, Riff. Anything new with you?
RIFF: Not much.
RAFF: So, it appears that neither of us has anything new to report.
RIFF: Yes, that's how it appears. Of course, how it appears is not necessarily the same as how it is.
RAFF: No, not necessarily the same at all.
RIFF: How it appears could be entirely different from how it is.
RAFF: Yes, entirely different.
RIFF: It all depends on how one looks at the situation.
RAFF: Which situation?
RIFF: Well, for instance, our situation. The situation of neither of us having anything new to report.
RAFF: Oh, that situation.
RIFF: Yes, that situation.
(Raff suddenly falls into deep thought.)
RIFF: What are you thinking about, Raff?
RAFF: Oh, nothing.
RIFF: Nothing?
RAFF: Yes, nothing.
RIFF: How does one think about nothing?
RAFF: Actually, it's quite easy, if one knows how. I've been doing it for years.
RIFF: Have you?
RAFF: Yes, for years. Thinking about nothing has never been a problem for me.
RIFF: I can believe that.
(More canned laughter.)
RAFF: After all, why should I go to the trouble of doing something else, when I could be thinking about nothing?
RIFF: I can't argue with that.
RAFF: Don't even try.
RIFF: By the way, Raff, how would you define the term, "nothing"?
RAFF: Well, nothing is, you know… nothing.
RIFF: So, according to you, "nothing" is defined as being… nothing.
RAFF: Yes, that's my definition. Nothing is nothing.
RIFF: Is there a difference between "nothing" as you define it, and "nothingness" as defined by Jean-Paul Sartre?
RAFF: Who?
RIFF: Jean-Paul Sartre, the French philosopher.
RAFF: Never heard of him.
RIFF: Oh well, it doesn't matter.
RAFF: Not to me, it doesn't.
RIFF: In any case, as you define it, nothing is nothing.
RAFF: Yes, that's it. Nothing is nothing.
RIFF: I get it now! Nothing is nothing!
RAFF: Correct! Nothing is, always has been, and always will be… nothing!
RIFF: I guess that settles it, then.
RAFF: It does as far as I'm concerned.
RIFF: I'm still wondering about one thing, though. Are you absolutely certain that you've never heard of Jean-Paul Sartre?
RAFF: Yes, absolutely certain.
RIFF: Most people have, you know.
RAFF: Have what?
RIFF: Have heard of Jean-Paul Sartre.
RAFF: Maybe they have, but I haven't.
RIFF: Apparently so.
RAFF: Wait a moment. You say this Sartre fellow was a Frenchman?
RIFF: Yes.
RAFF: Was he the one who sang "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"?
RIFF: No, that was Maurice Chevalier.
RAFF: Oh. What sort of songs did Sartre sing?
RIFF: He didn't sing any sort of songs. He wasn't a singer.
RAFF: Not a singer?
RIFF: No.
RAFF: That's probably why I've never heard of him.
RIFF: You know, Raff, it might do you a great deal of good if you made at least a small attempt to broaden your outlook.
RAFF: It so happens that I find my outlook to be more than broad enough for my general purposes.
RIFF: Oh, is that so?
RAFF: Yes, not that it's any of your business.
RIFF: There's no need to be offended.
RAFF: Well, I’m offended nonetheless.
RIFF: Fine, be offended if you want to be offended, but there’s no need.
RAFF: If it's all the same to you, Riff, I'll decide for myself whether I should be offended.
RIFF: Suit yourself.
(An awkward pause.)
RAFF: Did you know that I have ESP?
RIFF: What?
RAFF: I have ESP. Extrasensory perception. I can read people's thoughts.
RIFF: I see. So, when you're not actively engaged in thinking about nothing, you're reading other people's thoughts?
RAFF: That's right.
RIFF: It must be an interesting activity.
RAFF: Oh, it is!
RIFF: What about my own thoughts? What am I thinking right now?
RAFF: Right now, you're thinking that "The Riff and Raff Show, starring Riff and Raff" would be much better as "The Riff Show, starring Riff."
(Another awkward pause.)
RIFF: Well, folks, it's been a lot of fun, but it seems that we have just about run out of time.
RAFF: It does, indeed, seem that way.
RIFF: No need to worry, though. We'll be back!
RAFF: Yes, we'll be back! Whether you like it or not!
RIFF: Goodnight, Raff.
RAFF: Goodnight, Riff.
Remember to tune in next week, when Riff and Raff will bring you a special preview of the coming Apocalypse, with a guest appearance by the Four Horsemen! It's going to be a million laughs! Don't miss it!