Always Proper in All Things

I am of the opinion, having received forthright guidance in the matter from Leticia, my unimpeachable wife, that every person should continually strive, as mightily as they can, to be always proper in all things. I know this opinion to be entirely correct, because Leticia, an estimable woman of formidable rectitude, has told me so, and who am I to disagree? (Of course, if I did, perchance, be so reckless as to have even the merest inkling of daring to disagree, even mildly, with my wife's precepts, it might result in grievous bodily harm to myself, a potential instance of unpleasantness to which I would rather not be subjected.)

If one seeks to be always proper in all things, as Leticia and I do, one must be prepared to work hard. To be fully effective, being proper must be done properly! One must dedicate oneself to achieving a completely proper way of life: proper motives, proper actions, proper habits, proper manners, proper feelings, proper beliefs, proper values. It necessarily follows that one must actively shun the company of any person who is, to any degree whatsoever, less than acceptably proper. According to Leticia, whose judgment tends to be reliably unerring, contamination must be avoided at all costs!

Leticia and I have always sought to maintain a proper approach to things within our marriage. On our honeymoon, at Leticia's request, we stayed in separate hotels, to ensure that everything between us was kept proper at all times. Since then we have never wavered, not even for a single day, in our mutual pledge to be constantly proper in our relationship. Every year we celebrate the anniversary of our wedding by exchanging a firm handshake, but nothing more. We have five children, each of whom is quite proper in their own way, but I must admit that how they happened is not entirely clear to me.

Perhaps you are curious as to why I am so willing to go along with anything that Leticia requires of me. Well, all I can tell you is that my spouse is an empress of excellence, a princess of principled perfection, a high-minded goddess of propriety, purity, and poise (or so she claims, and, aside from an old photograph of her performing a tipsy striptease at a family barbecue, I have no reason to doubt her), so as far as I am concerned, it is my enviable duty as a faithful husband to obey her every command, promptly and happily. (Besides, I know what is good for me, and I do not want to suffer her unforgiving wrath.)

Would it not be a happier world if we all engaged only in proper thoughts, and gave utterance only to proper words? Leticia certainly believes that to be the case, and I am deeply inclined (under threat of being involved in fisticuffs) to concur in her views. How much easier it would be for us if we had no tongues with which to say anything that was not pleasingly proper, or, better yet, no brains with which to think any thoughts that were not of an unquestionably proper quality. Then we would have a world that truly was right and proper, a world in which no one would ever have cause to be offended!