J. Tarnable Crudsworth Reveals Too Much

By Michael Collins Morton
My name is J. Tarnable Crudsworth. That is my name, and I will make no attempt to deny it. I could tell you more about myself, perhaps even a great deal more, if I happened to be so inclined, but I figure that it is none of your damned business, so I am adamantly determined to go no further. After all, why should I cater to your idle curiosity?

On second thought, perhaps I should give you a little more information about myself. As I have already disclosed, my name is J. Tarnable Crudsworth, but here is something else: I am not, and never have been, a potato. Nor am I a forgetful, Presbyterian trombonist who grew up on a dairy farm near Moldy Cheese, Wisconsin.

Also, I am not a Marxist glass blower with a bad haircut, or a Rosicrucian accountant from a small town in Switzerland, or a former bricklayer who speaks twenty-six languages, or a shy marmoset with a wooden leg, or a statue of Aristotle. No, I can truthfully say that I am not, and in all likelihood, I am never going to be, any of those things.

In addition, I am not the tallest man in the world (or the shortest). I am not a bald, bellicose gambler who lost an enormous fortune as a result of being hopeless at pinochle. I am not, contrary to the many falsehoods that have been maliciously spread, a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci, a flock of geese, or a bowl of fruit.

It should be added that I am not, and have no intention of ever being, a lovelorn banker with an odd hobby, a Viennese aviator who sees double after drinking half a glass of lemonade, a teenage boy with a wild desire to prove that the earth is flat, or a foulmouthed ballerina with two right feet. I am not the founder of a new religion, either.

I think it probably would be best if I stop now, for I fear that I may have revealed too much. I have always believed that it is advisable to maintain a certain amount of mystery in regard to oneself. It is wisest to allow people to make an educated guess. By the way, just to keep things straight, I am not the person who is writing these words.

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