Have You Heard the News About Harry Sprongley?

Vernon and Floyd have a discussion regarding the unknown whereabouts of their mutual acquaintance, Harry.

VERNON: Hello, Floyd.

FLOYD: Hello, Vernon.

VERNON: Have you heard the news about Harry Sprongley?

FLOYD: No, I haven't heard anything about Harry. What is there to hear?

VERNON: He's been kidnapped!

FLOYD: Kidnapped?

VERNON: Yes! He's been kidnapped by a gang of upholsterers!

FLOYD: You can't be serious!

VERNON: I can, and I am.

FLOYD: I can't believe it.

VERNON: Well, you can believe it or not, as you please, but I promise you that it's absolutely true.

FLOYD: So, Harry Sprongley has actually been kidnapped by a gang of upholsterers?

VERNON: Yes, and not just any sort of upholsterers, either.

FLOYD: What sort of upholsterers are they?

VERNON: The worst sort.

FLOYD: The worst?

VERNON: Yes, the worst. The sort of upholsterers who are left-handed.

FLOYD: Oh, no! Left-handed upholsterers?

VERNON: Yes, and in my opinion, that's the worst sort of upholsterer.

FLOYD: So, what you're telling me is that Harry Sprongley has been kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers?

VERNON: Yes, that's what I'm telling you.

FLOYD: I still can't believe it.

VERNON: Well, you can be certain that Harry Sprongley believes it.

FLOYD: Yes, I suppose he would.

VERNON: It's not as if he has much choice in the matter.

FLOYD: No, not much choice at all. How is his family taking it?

VERNON: Well, I don't think his wife has noticed that he's gone yet. I don't think his children have noticed, either. The dog might have noticed. Harry and the dog are very close.

FLOYD: Why did the upholsterers choose Harry to kidnap? What do they want? Have they made any demands?

VERNON: As far as I know, they haven't said what they want, but I'm willing to bet that it has something to do with upholstery.

FLOYD: Yes, I suppose that's a pretty safe presumption.

VERNON: It's a bad situation. Being kidnapped at all is bad enough, but being kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers is very bad.

FLOYD: Yes, I have to agree, it is very bad. Things do tend to get very dodgy when upholsterers are involved, most particularly when they're upholsterers of a left-handed persuasion.

VERNON: My Uncle Rufus always used to tell me, "It usually is best to be on your guard whenever you happen to find yourself dealing with an upholsterer who clearly displays a left-handed disposition."

FLOYD: Truer words were never spoken. Your Uncle Rufus was a wise man.

VERNON: Yes, he was, at least in regard to left-handed upholsterers. He could be a bit odd in other ways, though.

FLOYD: Odd?

VERNON: Yes, odd.

FLOYD: Can you give me an example?

VERNON: He didn't like spoons.

FLOYD: Spoons?

VERNON: Spoons.

FLOYD: Why didn't he like spoons?

VERNON: I never knew why, but I do know that he hated spoons, and would never use one, not even when he ate soup.

FLOYD: Yes, that is a bit odd.

VERNON: When Uncle Rufus ate soup, he always used a fork. Most of the soup stayed in the bowl.

FLOYD: Well, no one is perfect.

VERNON: You're right, no one is perfect.

FLOYD: Although, come to think of it, I do have a cousin who is nearly perfect.

VERNON: Nearly perfect? How near to perfect is he?

FLOYD: Oh, pretty near. He's about a half step away from being completely perfect.

VERNON: How unusual. It must be quite a burden to be nearly perfect.

FLOYD: Yes, it is, but my cousin is made of strong stuff. He bears up under the strain of being nearly perfect as best as he can.

VERNON: Well, anyway, it's too bad about Harry.

FLOYD: Harry?

VERNON: Yes, you know, it's too bad about Harry Sprongley. It's too bad that Harry has been kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers.

FLOYD: Oh, right. Yes, it is too bad that Harry Sprongley has been kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers. Still, such things are bound to happen.

VERNON: That's true. Such things are bound to happen.

FLOYD: Oh, do you think so?

VERNON: Well, isn't that what you just said?

FLOYD: Was it? Oh, look! That fellow there, walking toward us! Isn't that Harry Sprongley?

VERNON: Yes! It's Harry!

(Harry walks over to where Vernon and Floyd are standing.)

HARRY: Hello, Vernon.

VERNON: Hello, Harry.

HARRY: Hello, Floyd.

FLOYD: Hello, Harry.

VERNON: We're surprised to see you, Harry.

FLOYD: We thought that you were being held by kidnappers.

VERNON: Yes, it was our understanding that you had been kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers.

HARRY: Well, it's true that I was kidnapped a few days ago, and I was held for thirty-six hours, but not by a gang of left-handed upholsterers. The situation with the left-handed upholsterers happened last week, not this week. They held me until I agreed to let them reupholster the old couch in our front room.

VERNON: So that was what they wanted! We suspected as much.

FLOYD: We had a feeling that it might have something to do with upholstery.

HARRY: Yes, that was it. What else could I do? They had me at a disadvantage. All right, I finally said to them. All right, fair enough, not a problem. Let it never be said that Harry Sprongley is an unreasonable man. The couch was looking a bit ratty, and they did offer to do the job for half their usual fee, so I figured there was no harm done.

VERNON: I suppose it could have been worse.

FLOYD: Much worse.

HARRY: This week I was kidnapped again, by a gang of right-handed horticulturists, but they decided, mostly out of boredom, to let me go without making any demands.

VERNON: Oh, did they? Well, that was nice of them.

FLOYD: They sound quite friendly.

HARRY: Yes, right-handed horticulturists actually aren't too bad, once you get to know them. They have their little peculiarities, as we all do, but they're fairly agreeable for the most part. The left-handed upholsterers were not too friendly, though.

FLOYD: Yes, I've heard that they can be extremely difficult.

VERNON: I've heard that, too.

HARRY: Well, it's been very pleasant talking with both of you, but I must be running along now.

VERNON: Where are you heading?

HARRY: I'm supposed to meet with a gang of ambidextrous statisticians. They've kindly agreed to kidnap me this afternoon. That will be the third time I've been kidnapped in the past two weeks. I think that's a new record!

VERNON: Yes, it probably is. Well, good luck with being kidnapped for the third time!

FLOYD: Yes, good luck!

HARRY: Thank you! See you later!

(Harry departs.)

VERNON: Harry is a nice enough fellow, but I have to say that his fondness for being kidnapped seems a bit strange to me.

FLOYD: Yes, I know what you mean.

VERNON: Where on earth does Harry find all these people? Left-handed upholsterers?  Right-handed horticulturists? Ambidextrous statisticians? He certainly isn't particular about the company he keeps.

FLOYD: No, indeed.

VERNON: Oh well, I guess everyone needs a hobby.

FLOYD: To each his own, I always say.

VERNON: I've never heard you say that before.

FLOYD: I just said it.

VERNON: Yes, but other than just now, I've never heard you say it.

FLOYD: I say it all the time, at least once or twice every hour.

VERNON: Well, I've never heard you say it.

FLOYD: Just because you haven't heard me say it, doesn't mean that I haven't been saying it.

VERNON: No, but if you've been saying it frequently, it seems likely that I would have heard you say it.

FLOYD: Not necessarily. You might have been out of earshot when I said it.

VERNON: Every single time?

FLOYD: Apparently so.

VERNON: I don't wish to doubt you, but I'll have to reserve my judgment.

FLOYD: Well, to each his own. There, you see, I've said it again.

VERNON: Oh, never mind.

FLOYD: That's fine with me. To each his own, I always say.

VERNON: Stop saying that!

FLOYD: Saying what?

VERNON: Stop saying, "To each his own."

FLOYD: Well, according to you, I never say it.

VERNON: I didn't say that you never said it, I said that I had never heard you say it.

FLOYD: It's the same thing.

VERNON: No, it's not.

FLOYD: Yes, it is.

VERNON: It is not the same thing!

FLOYD: Yes, it is the same thing!

(Vernon and Floyd turn away from each other for a moment, then turn back and start talking again.)

VERNON: Is not.

FLOYD: Is.

VERNON: This is silly.

FLOYD: Oh, so you think this is silly, do you?

VERNON: Yes, quite silly. We're just going round and round in circles.

FLOYD: Are we?

VERNON: Yes, we are.

FLOYD: Round and round?

VERNON: Round and round.

FLOYD: In circles?

VERNON: In circles.

FLOYD: I suppose it is pretty silly to be going round and round in circles.

VERNON: Yes, it is. Let's just stop and leave it as it is.

FLOYD: That suits me.

VERNON: I'm glad to hear you say that.

FLOYD: Well, it takes two to tango.

VERNON: What?

FLOYD: I said, it takes two to tango. That's another thing I always say.

VERNON: What does that have to do with the matter at hand?

FLOYD: I don't know, but it's another thing that I always say.

VERNON: I've never heard you say it.

FLOYD: Yes, you have.

VERNON: No, I haven't.

FLOYD: I just said it, a moment ago.

VERNON: For heaven's sake, let's not start all that again.

FLOYD: All what?

VERNON: All that.

FLOYD: I don't know what you're talking about.

VERNON: Yes, you do.

FLOYD: No, I don't.

VERNON: Stop!

FLOYD: Stop what?

VERNON: Stop what you're doing!

FLOYD: What am I doing?

VERNON: You know perfectly well what you're doing!

FLOYD: Do I?

VERNON: Yes, you do!

FLOYD: Oh, all right. I'll stop doing whatever it is that I'm supposedly doing. There's no need for you to get upset about it. I always say, to each his own. After all, it takes two to tango.

VERNON: Well, as I said before, I'll have to reserve my judgment in regard to the things that you claim to always say, but in the meantime I must be going.

FLOYD: Oh, must you?

VERNON: Yes, I must.

FLOYD: Oh, look! Over there, across the street! Isn't that Harry being jostled away by a gang of ambidextrous statisticians?

VERNON: Yes, it is. He's probably being kidnapped again.

FLOYD: For the third time in two weeks!

VERNON: As Harry said, it's a new record.

(Vernon and Floyd wave at Harry, and Harry waves back.)

FLOYD: One doesn't see gangs of ambidextrous statisticians very often these days.

VERNON: No, one doesn't.

FLOYD: Actually, I can't say that I've ever seen a gang of ambidextrous statisticians, other than the one we just saw.

VERNON: No, I can't say that I have, either.

FLOYD: Harry certainly appeared to be enjoying himself.

VERNON: Yes, he certainly did.

FLOYD: You know, I feel a bit envious of him.

VERNON: You're not thinking of having yourself kidnapped, are you?

FLOYD: The thought did cross my mind.  I mean, why not? Why should Harry have all the fun?

VERNON: Fun? I'm rather doubtful that there is much fun to be had in being kidnapped by a gang of left-handed upholsterers, or right-handed horticulturists, or ambidextrous statisticians.

FLOYD: You never know, it might be a lot of fun.

VERNON: I don't think so.

FLOYD: I'm not saying that I know for certain that it would be a lot of fun, but I'm not willing to rule it out, either.

VERNON: I don't see how being kidnapped could be much fun.

FLOYD: Sort of fun, maybe.

VERNON: Sort of fun?

FLOYD: Yes, sort of fun. Not a huge amount of fun, but at least enough fun to make it slightly worthwhile. Somewhat less than total, complete, absolute fun, but nonetheless still fully acceptable, in its own way, as being distinctly representative of fun. A partial element of something that, given a happy outlook and under the proper conditions, might honestly be construed, within the broadest realm of common understanding, as being somewhere in the general region of the pleasurable experience known to most people, far and wide, as fun.

VERNON: Oh, I see. Sort of fun.

FLOYD: Yes.

VERNON: You appear to be of the same mind as Harry Sprongley.

FLOYD: Perhaps I am of the same mind.

VERNON: Perhaps you are.

FLOYD: I do think that it might be sort of fun.

VERNON: I disagree, but I don't wish to pursue it any further.

FLOYD: The way I see it, a little fun is better than none.

VERNON: Well, I must be going.

FLOYD: If you must, you must.

VERNON: I must.

FLOYD: If a man must be going, nothing can keep him from being gone.

VERNON: Is that another one of those things that you always say?

FLOYD: No, I just made up that one now, especially for you.

VERNON: Well, as I said, I must be going.

FLOYD: You certainly must.

(Vernon walks away.)

FLOYD: (To himself.) I wonder how one goes about arranging to be kidnapped by a gang of ambidextrous statisticians?