We Are Being Watched

Two gentlemen, Mr. Smodge and Mr. Dinkler, are standing together, looking up at the sky on a clear night.

MR. SMODGE: Lovely evening.

MR. DINKLER: Yes, it is.

MR. SMODGE: The full moon looks very bright.

MR. DINKLER: Yes, it does.

MR. SMODGE: Very round, too.

MR. DINKLER: Yes, very round.

MR. SMODGE: The past few nights it was merely roundish.

MR. DINKLER: Roundish?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, roundish. It was almost round, and one might even say that it was nearly round, but one could not honestly say that it was a perfectly round moon. Tonight, however, it is, as can readily be ascertained, perfectly round.

MR. DINKLER: That's quite true.

MR. SMODGE: I think the moon looks best when it's round, don't you?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, I would say that a round moon is best.

MR. SMODGE: I'm glad that we agree.

MR. DINKLER: Well, there is no reason why we shouldn't agree.

MR. SMODGE: No, there isn't.

MR. DINKLER: No reason that I can see.

MR. SMODGE: No reason at all.

MR. DINKLER: None.

MR. SMODGE: I agree.

MR. DINKLER: Me, too.

MR. SMODGE: There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you and I should not entirely agree.

MR. DINKLER: Absolutely no reason whatsoever.

MR. SMODGE: Not one single reason.

MR. DINKLER: Good, then you agree that we have agreed to agree on that particular matter?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I agree that we have agreed to agree.

MR. DINKLER: That is most agreeable.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I agree, it is most agreeable.

MR. DINKLER: I'm pleased to hear that we are of the same opinion.

MR. SMODGE: (Suddenly gestures toward the sky.) Look! Did you see that shooting star?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, I did! What a beautiful sight!

MR. SMODGE: Do you ever wonder whether anything is out there?

MR. DINKLER: Out where?

MR. SMODGE: Out there, in the deep expanse of the sky.

MR. DINKLER: When you say, "out there," how far out there do you mean?

MR. SMODGE: Oh, pretty far.

MR. DINKLER: Pretty far, as in "way out there"?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, way out there.

MR. DINKLER: Way, way out there?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I think "way, way out there" would be an appropriate way of describing it.

MR. DINKLER: How about "way, way, way out there"?

MR. SMODGE: Well, yes, I suppose the term, "way, way, way out there," would be suitable for our discussion.

MR. DINKLER: Do you mean outer space?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, that's what I mean. Way, way, way out there, in outer space.

MR. DINKLER: Do you mean, is anything out there, as in way, way, way out there, in outer space, aside from all the usual stars and planets and galaxies and nebulae and meteoroids and asteroids and comets and black holes and things of that sort?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, aside from all the usual things of that sort.

MR. DINKLER: Do you mean actual beings?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, actual beings.

MR. DINKLER: Beings such as ourselves?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, beings such as ourselves.

MR. DINKLER: Beings who have the capacity to think?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, beings who have the capacity to think.

MR. DINKLER: Beings who talk and debate among themselves?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I imagine that such beings would be in the habit of talking and debating among themselves.

MR. DINKLER: Beings whose collective knowledge might be greater than our own?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, their collective knowledge might be greater than our own.

MR. DINKLER: Beings who listen to music?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, in all likelihood such beings would listen to music.

MR. DINKLER: Beings who know how to tap-dance?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I suppose they might be able to tap-dance.

MR. DINKLER: Beings who sometimes wear funny hats?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, they might sometimes be inclined to wear funny hats.

MR. DINKLER: Funny hats that have a plastic flower on top?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, all right, funny hats with a plastic flower on top.

MR. DINKLER: A plastic flower that squirts water?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, a plastic flower that squirts water. My question is, do you ever wonder whether anything is out there?

MR. DINKLER: I've never given it much thought.

MR. SMODGE: Never?

MR. DINKLER: No, I can't say that I have.

MR. SMODGE: Not ever?

MR. DINKLER: Well, not lately.

MR. SMODGE: Well, I have.

MR. DINKLER: Have you, indeed?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I have. I've given it quite a lot of thought.

MR. DINKLER: May I inquire as to what sort of conclusions you have reached?

MR. SMODGE: (Leans close.) We are being watched.

MR. DINKLER: Watched? What makes you think we're being watched? I don't see anyone. We appear to be alone here.

MR. SMODGE: No, no, not here. I mean that we are being watched from out there. (Looks upward.)

MR. DINKLER: Oh, I see what you mean. Watched from out there.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, we are being watched all the time, even at this moment.

MR. DINKLER: Watched by beings from outer space?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, watched by beings from outer space.

MR. DINKLER: Being watched all the time, even at this moment?

MR. SMODGE: All the time, even at this moment.

MR. DINKLER: Right now, as we speak?

MR. SMODGE: As we speak.

MR. DINKLER: Oh, I don't know about that.

MR. SMODGE: Well, I do. I happen to know, for certain, that we are being watched.

MR. DINKLER: How do you know?

MR. SMODGE: (Leans close again.) Because the voice told me.

MR. DINKLER: The voice? What voice?

MR. SMODGE: The voice that talks to me.

MR. DINKLER: Do you mean a voice on the radio?

MR. SMODGE: No, not the radio.

MR. DINKLER: A voice on television?

MR. SMODGE: No, not television. (Looks upward again.) The voice comes from out there.

MR. DINKLER: Oh yes, of course, I should have guessed. A voice from out there. What does the voice say?

MR. SMODGE: Well, it usually begins by saying, "Hello, Mr. Smodge, I am talking to you from out there."

MR. DINKLER: When does this voice talk to you?

MR. SMODGE: Every evening at eight o'clock. Never a moment sooner, and never a moment later. Always at eight o'clock.

MR. DINKLER: In other words, the voice is unfailingly prompt.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, that's right, unfailingly prompt.

MR. DINKLER: So, after the voice greets you, what else does it say?

MR. SMODGE: It usually says something along the lines of, "I am choosing to converse with you, Mr. Smodge, because I have reason to believe that you are, undoubtedly and unquestionably, the most superlative of all human beings on your planet."

MR. DINKLER: I see. Anything else?

MR. SMODGE: Yes, the voice also says, "I want you to know, Mr. Smodge, that we are watching you and your fellow beings all the time, but we can assure you that there is no need to be unduly disturbed by our observations."

MR. DINKLER: That's all?

MR. SMODGE: That's all.

MR. DINKLER: Why are they watching us?

MR. SMODGE: I don't know. The voice hasn't told me.

MR. DINKLER: Perhaps they have nothing better to do.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, that could be it.

MR. DINKLER: Perhaps it's quite boring out there.

MR. SMODGE: Perhaps it is.

MR. DINKLER: Yes, that's probably it. They find it quite boring out there, and have nothing better to do, so they spend all their time watching us.

MR. SMODGE: I suspect that you might be correct.

MR. DINKLER: Of course, there is a slight problem with that.

MR. SMODGE: What problem?

MR.DINKLER: Well, the problem is, that it's rather boring here, too.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I suppose that's true.

MR. DINKLER: Thoroughly boring.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, thoroughly boring.

MR. DINKLER: You know, I just had a thought.

MR. SMODGE: Did you?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, I did.

MR. SMODGE: What sort of thought?

MR. DINKLER: Well, if they are watching us...

MR. SMODGE: Yes, go on...

MR. DINKLER: If they are watching us, then perhaps...

MR. SMODGE: Perhaps...

MR. DINKLER: Perhaps we, in turn, should be watching them.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, perhaps we should.

MR. DINKLER: When should we start?

MR. SMODGE: Why not start as soon as we can?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, why not?

MR. SMODGE: How should we go about it?

MR. DINKLER: We'll need a telescope. Do you happen to have one with you?

MR. SMODGE: No, I don't have one with me, but I know where I can lay my hands on one, pretty quickly.

MR. DINKLER: Just think of it! We'll be united in boredom with beings from another world!

MR. SMODGE: United in boredom, across the cosmos!

MR.DINKLER: How exciting!

MR. SMODGE: Exciting?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, very exciting.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, you're right, it probably would be very exciting.

MR. DINKLER: Oh yes, very much so.

MR. SMODGE: I hadn't reckoned on that. You know, on second thought, perhaps it would be better to leave things as they are.

MR. DINKLER: Why is that?

MR. SMODGE: Well, there's no use making a fuss.

MR. DINKLER: No, I suppose that wouldn't be wise.

MR. SMODGE: No, it wouldn't.

MR. DINKLER: (Looks directly overhead.) Was that another shooting star?

MR. SMODGE: Just now?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, over there.

MR. SMODGE: Over there, to the left?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, to the left.

MR. SMODGE: Completely to the left, or just slightly to the left?

MR. DINKLER: Completely to the left.

MR. SMODGE: No, I don't think it was a shooting star.

MR. DINKLER: Oh, I must have been mistaken.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I think you were.

MR. DINKLER: I know that I saw something. Perhaps it was a flying avocado.

MR. SMODGE: What?

MR. DINKLER: A flying avocado.

MR. SMODGE: I didn't know that avocados could fly.

MR. DINKLER: Oh yes, they can fly, but they only do so in rare instances.

MR. SMODGE: Oh, I see.

MR. DINKLER: Yes, it's not widely known, but avocados do have the ability to fly, if they so choose, although they generally tend to be a bit shy about it. They don't like to show off. Actually, only a handful of people have ever had the opportunity to witness the flight of an avocado. So, if you ever have a chance to catch sight of an avocado soaring through the air, consider yourself to be fortunate.

MR. SMODGE: I'll keep that in mind.

MR. DINKLER: Well, it's getting late. I ought to be moving along.

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I should be going, too.

MR. DINKLER: Keep an eye out for flying avocados!

MR. SMODGE: Yes, I'll do that.

MR.DINKLER: Be on the lookout for flying hedgerows, too!

MR. SMODGE: Flying hedgerows?

MR. DINKLER: Yes, flying hedgerows. They're even rarer than flying avocados, but there is always a chance that you might see one. It's best to maintain a condition of preparedness.

MR. SMODGE: I agree, it's best to maintain a condition of preparedness.

MR. DINKLER: Good! We agree again!

MR. SMODGE: Yes! We agree again!

(They both yawn, and then go their separate ways.)