Ignatius Thrumbler Provides the Answers

To people who only knew him casually, Ignatius Thrumbler was regarded as the sort of person about whom there was not much to say, one way or the other. He came across as an entirely run-of-the-mill person, with no outstanding qualities whatsoever. What those people failed to understand, however, was that Ignatius Thrumbler could, if asked, easily provide the answers to all questions, including the answers to questions that had yet to be asked.

"Ask me any question, and I can provide an answer," Ignatius Thrumbler said.

Unfortunately, in many cases (actually, if the truth is to be told, in nearly every case), the answers that Ignatius Thrumble provided to questions were not necessarily the correct answers. For example, according to Ignatius Thrumbler, when two and two were added together, the result was five and a half, not four. Also according to Ignatius Thrumbler, the Earth was neither flat nor round, but instead, had a shape that was, in his opinion, somewhat akin to a cucumber.

"Any answer is better than no answer," Ignatius Thrumbler said.

In spite of his wrong answers, Ignatius Thrumbler became quite well-known. During his first appearance on television, as a contestant on the game show, Questions Aplenty, he was asked to give the name of the President of the United States after whom the city of Washington, D.C. was named. After thinking for a moment, Ignatius replied, "That would be the nineteenth President of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes." He was then dutifully informed that the proper answer was "George Washington."

"A wrong answer is, nevertheless, still an answer," Ignatius Thrumbler said.

It was in the exalted realm of philosophy, however, that Ignatius Thrumbler achieved what could be described as his highest degree of distinction. When eminent figures earnestly sought to determine whether there was an element of absolute meaning that solidly underpinned the collective totality of human experience, Ignatius Thrumbler boldly provided what was, undoubtedly, a definitive answer.

"Well, it all depends on how you look at it," Ignatius Thrumbler said.

Ignatius Thrumbler finally decided that, as someone who could provide the answers (whether correct or not) to all questions, the most lucrative thing for him to do was to start his own religion. The religion that he started was known as Answerism, and it quickly established itself as one of the leading contenders in the crowded field of retail spirituality, proving to be highly appealing to consumers and gaining more than ten million subscribers during the first month.

"I believe that, at last, I have found my true calling," Ignatius Trumbler said.

By starting his own religion, Ignatius Thrumbler succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. He was able to make a sizable fortune merely by providing superficially profound (but easily digestible) answers that were eagerly accepted by foolish people who preferred not to think for themselves.